I totally could not have foreseen that I would still be here to write this today.
In fact, after the blow at Christmas I think these posts have become an extremely personal story. I am admitting to being wrong about a lot of things. In absolute truth, over February (which felt like a very cold November none the less) Spring has finally arrived, and with it, blessings of new beginnings.
I have been trying to preach my beliefs too much and with it have brought trouble amongst the quietest of shenanigans, and I have been focusing on music and covers for small gigs. I have met a lot of new people, which ever reminds me of the world being with One and All. But less of that, there have been some major mistakes along the way, but now, I know after the long haul, I must finish what I started, for once in my life! I did the gig in the end, I got stage fright and my after thought was that I should have that vino rouge before I went up after all. I was first on so it was a lot of pressure but I suppose the bits I did well, I did well.
I have until mid June to get all my work done. I am genuinely scared that I will fail.
Although this being a 'philosophy' blog, I shall say that, "the only thing to fear, is fear in itself" and that "failure is a result of not trying".
I've been busy, ironically, meditating, and the mundane tasks that are surprisingly difficult if you think about it too much, such as laundry and food expenditures. I believe in Angels. Somehow it's as if I prophesied sub-consciously that I was going to run out of money, again, and therefore stocked the freezer (my freezer is always empty because I like to eat fresh produce) or I live off toast, I'd never maintain my figure if I ate anything else... speaking of which, the bible does state we do not live off bread and butter alone... enough of that. New acquaintances fail to deny that the Bible or any holy book for that matter, does provide excellent morals. Singing will always be a special outlet for me. As much as writing.
I have not been feeling myself for a long time, and then I was diagnosed with Boarder-line Personality Disorder. Then I thought, this may have something to do with the collective conciousness malarkey that a few of my friends were conversing about. My spiritual beliefs have taken me to insanity and back. My vision impaired, hallucinations and may be I really did lose the love of my life. Time will tell. On the topic of time, I have been discussing it's illusion with people over the last couple of months. It is certainly a subjective thing, and as time goes by, we work around a man made clock, for man made purposes and I came to the epiphany that a core meaning of life, is to have offspring. How this relates to not only my own life but now a truer understanding of a wider perspective. We have to work to buy things to provide for these families we want. Therefore, I got my head down a little bit and made a few mates on the way.
We go in and out of each other lives and whether this is dictated by our own actions alone is another matter for discussion. I think fate has a huge role to play in why and how we meet other people and do different things. Drug taking for example has to be introduced by someone? If you take drugs, then once before you trusted these people and regard them as friends, but with my new knowledge, I am claiming that I am still dubious about their effects. Would I ever have landed in hospital if I had never touched them? I cannot know because I am not a Time Lord. I stopped watching Doctor Who after Chris Tenant because I didn't like Matt Smith as the Doctor.
Since Valentine's Day (if you were expecting a V Day post think again, I was literally miles away) I have actually been to Scarborough the day I was made redundant from my last job for a mini vacation. I stayed in a beautiful hotel called Park Manor. I enjoyed the fancy bathroom, some free-view and a take away in bed, with myself. It proved to be quite healing for my mental and spiritual well-being. The following day, I went to a Baptist Church and cried and cried and cried. It was beautiful and moving, and cleansing. I met two lovely girls, one whom was a teacher and the other a training nurse. Both enlightened me about caring for others, loving what you do and working hard. I learnt more about forgiveness and love. They recommended I get back to Church in my local town. I should not disagree, I think I am suffering a case like Miss Havisham out of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. We were made to study it at school but it remains to be one of my most influencing books and I would recommend it to any one who likes a good novel.
I focused on my project for my course, yet this proves to overlap it quite intimately. I actually deluded myself for a brief period that I would sell my soul to become an elitist in the music industry, and then I decided to become a Gypsy and save all my money from work to get a licence and buy a motor-home and run away for 7 years and then I decided to become a teacher because my Mum would be proud and then I realised that the education system is ruled over by government which is dictated by Parliament which is owned by secret government who we can't reach and fight!
I thought about joining the army, but apparently I'm getting too old to join; at 21 I thought that I would be prize for the picking, am I not at my fitness potential? I am actually anti war. I forgot I was born in the wrong Era, I dislike the internet, I miss the dapper 20's fashion and I have the heart of a 60's child... In the fitness sense, I joined a Pole Dance class, despite the stigma it is excellent for building strength in core muscles, after all I contemplated the concept that we are really simply stuck in our own bodies until we die so I may as well take good care of it as only I am the person who needs to function in it until my end days. I never thought I'd live long, I can't imagine growing old alone. These days I prefer my own company. I have this conspiracy about energy. If you knock about with people who have the wrong energy vibration, or if you do not compliment each other then you're setting yourself up for setbacks in your personal journey and spiritual growth.
There's limitless topics to discuss. So much happens day after day, it builds up and then I forget, like sand through a sieve, and I lose track of where I am, I often do not really feel like I'm here... on Earth.
I have been researching other dimensions of being. Heaven and Hell exist in the mind, sure, but that's psychology. What I'm getting at is the science of matter. I'd like to talk about it further, but I do not know enough to explain yet. All I know, is that we are sensory beings, and I feel a lot.
Whilst every one else seemed to be outside enjoying the eclipse on Thursday, I was the obscure person sitting over my laptop reading about it's significance in a religious context. I may as well change my name and wear a disguise. I'm crazy after all, I wanted to change my entire identity, but I'm probably just running away from something, but we're all going somewhere whether we enjoy it at all, or not. We all die eventually and I don't plan to waste any more time; yet that brings me closer to something my ex said to me once, "time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time"
I hope I can do some normal stuff soon.
I think work and college and self care is a handful enough as it is.
Hopefully I can leave the past in the past, and beat this misogynistic society I find myself buried in deception and worries about possible vulnerability. I know martial arts and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself, I have a loud voice and powerful projection. I hope I can encourage other women to be strong. I hope to educate young people about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. If you're in bad company, GTFO.
C'est Tout.
In fact, after the blow at Christmas I think these posts have become an extremely personal story. I am admitting to being wrong about a lot of things. In absolute truth, over February (which felt like a very cold November none the less) Spring has finally arrived, and with it, blessings of new beginnings.
I have been trying to preach my beliefs too much and with it have brought trouble amongst the quietest of shenanigans, and I have been focusing on music and covers for small gigs. I have met a lot of new people, which ever reminds me of the world being with One and All. But less of that, there have been some major mistakes along the way, but now, I know after the long haul, I must finish what I started, for once in my life! I did the gig in the end, I got stage fright and my after thought was that I should have that vino rouge before I went up after all. I was first on so it was a lot of pressure but I suppose the bits I did well, I did well.
I have until mid June to get all my work done. I am genuinely scared that I will fail.
Although this being a 'philosophy' blog, I shall say that, "the only thing to fear, is fear in itself" and that "failure is a result of not trying".
I've been busy, ironically, meditating, and the mundane tasks that are surprisingly difficult if you think about it too much, such as laundry and food expenditures. I believe in Angels. Somehow it's as if I prophesied sub-consciously that I was going to run out of money, again, and therefore stocked the freezer (my freezer is always empty because I like to eat fresh produce) or I live off toast, I'd never maintain my figure if I ate anything else... speaking of which, the bible does state we do not live off bread and butter alone... enough of that. New acquaintances fail to deny that the Bible or any holy book for that matter, does provide excellent morals. Singing will always be a special outlet for me. As much as writing.
I have not been feeling myself for a long time, and then I was diagnosed with Boarder-line Personality Disorder. Then I thought, this may have something to do with the collective conciousness malarkey that a few of my friends were conversing about. My spiritual beliefs have taken me to insanity and back. My vision impaired, hallucinations and may be I really did lose the love of my life. Time will tell. On the topic of time, I have been discussing it's illusion with people over the last couple of months. It is certainly a subjective thing, and as time goes by, we work around a man made clock, for man made purposes and I came to the epiphany that a core meaning of life, is to have offspring. How this relates to not only my own life but now a truer understanding of a wider perspective. We have to work to buy things to provide for these families we want. Therefore, I got my head down a little bit and made a few mates on the way.
We go in and out of each other lives and whether this is dictated by our own actions alone is another matter for discussion. I think fate has a huge role to play in why and how we meet other people and do different things. Drug taking for example has to be introduced by someone? If you take drugs, then once before you trusted these people and regard them as friends, but with my new knowledge, I am claiming that I am still dubious about their effects. Would I ever have landed in hospital if I had never touched them? I cannot know because I am not a Time Lord. I stopped watching Doctor Who after Chris Tenant because I didn't like Matt Smith as the Doctor.
Since Valentine's Day (if you were expecting a V Day post think again, I was literally miles away) I have actually been to Scarborough the day I was made redundant from my last job for a mini vacation. I stayed in a beautiful hotel called Park Manor. I enjoyed the fancy bathroom, some free-view and a take away in bed, with myself. It proved to be quite healing for my mental and spiritual well-being. The following day, I went to a Baptist Church and cried and cried and cried. It was beautiful and moving, and cleansing. I met two lovely girls, one whom was a teacher and the other a training nurse. Both enlightened me about caring for others, loving what you do and working hard. I learnt more about forgiveness and love. They recommended I get back to Church in my local town. I should not disagree, I think I am suffering a case like Miss Havisham out of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. We were made to study it at school but it remains to be one of my most influencing books and I would recommend it to any one who likes a good novel.
I focused on my project for my course, yet this proves to overlap it quite intimately. I actually deluded myself for a brief period that I would sell my soul to become an elitist in the music industry, and then I decided to become a Gypsy and save all my money from work to get a licence and buy a motor-home and run away for 7 years and then I decided to become a teacher because my Mum would be proud and then I realised that the education system is ruled over by government which is dictated by Parliament which is owned by secret government who we can't reach and fight!
I thought about joining the army, but apparently I'm getting too old to join; at 21 I thought that I would be prize for the picking, am I not at my fitness potential? I am actually anti war. I forgot I was born in the wrong Era, I dislike the internet, I miss the dapper 20's fashion and I have the heart of a 60's child... In the fitness sense, I joined a Pole Dance class, despite the stigma it is excellent for building strength in core muscles, after all I contemplated the concept that we are really simply stuck in our own bodies until we die so I may as well take good care of it as only I am the person who needs to function in it until my end days. I never thought I'd live long, I can't imagine growing old alone. These days I prefer my own company. I have this conspiracy about energy. If you knock about with people who have the wrong energy vibration, or if you do not compliment each other then you're setting yourself up for setbacks in your personal journey and spiritual growth.
There's limitless topics to discuss. So much happens day after day, it builds up and then I forget, like sand through a sieve, and I lose track of where I am, I often do not really feel like I'm here... on Earth.
I have been researching other dimensions of being. Heaven and Hell exist in the mind, sure, but that's psychology. What I'm getting at is the science of matter. I'd like to talk about it further, but I do not know enough to explain yet. All I know, is that we are sensory beings, and I feel a lot.
Whilst every one else seemed to be outside enjoying the eclipse on Thursday, I was the obscure person sitting over my laptop reading about it's significance in a religious context. I may as well change my name and wear a disguise. I'm crazy after all, I wanted to change my entire identity, but I'm probably just running away from something, but we're all going somewhere whether we enjoy it at all, or not. We all die eventually and I don't plan to waste any more time; yet that brings me closer to something my ex said to me once, "time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time"
I hope I can do some normal stuff soon.
I think work and college and self care is a handful enough as it is.
Hopefully I can leave the past in the past, and beat this misogynistic society I find myself buried in deception and worries about possible vulnerability. I know martial arts and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself, I have a loud voice and powerful projection. I hope I can encourage other women to be strong. I hope to educate young people about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. If you're in bad company, GTFO.
C'est Tout.
