Day WHAT

 Automatic writing is a thing

I can't live without internet because then I couldn't listen to music...

I want to say so much stuff but my conscience just will not allow it, for some reason.

My Authorship was so integrous and genuine, a lot of people just raped my spirit.

I feel like everyone is taking the living shit out of my livelihood. It is enough to make someone suicidal. Of which they have succeeded. I hope they are happy with themselves. 

I won't let my past go, the past is part of the process... right? 

Day 2

 I didn't get to sleep until the early hours of the morning, waking up after lunch time with the remnants of a dream lingering in my immediate memory. I'm wearing adhesive nails which I remain ambivalent about, fashion wise. Been living on avocados, pot noodles and yoghurt since 2 weeks ago, my jaw was broken in a violent assault whereby my face was stamped on at the back of a Tesco. My social worker appeared today to tell me of an opportunity to leave Nottingham for a residential care home in East Yorkshire. I suppose moving out of here would mark the end of an era. The lifestyle I have been following would no longer be sustainable in a remote place like that, therefore forcing me to develop a new mindset. Nicotine cravings have subsided yet my appetite has returned with a vengence, I feel untethered. It is still hard to get my thoughts tangible. Probation and my substance misuse counsellor are visiting me next week.  

★ I would like to create a time-lapse of my face from my 30th to my 40th birthday.

Day 1

 Sunday, was the worst day of my life. Not for any reason in particular, just I ran out of tobacco, have no money or access to emergency funds, therefore craving cigarettes and enduring all the emotional turmoil of a psychological disorder simultaneously with cravings. I'm watching Libra astrological predictions for the following month on Youtube, since they comfort me whilst my own perspective and faith are fragile and nihilistic. It is now Tuesday and I spent the best of yesterday (Monday) in total hibernation (sleeping for nearly a whole 24 hours straight) I feel that this is depression upon the shock of realising what I have lost. I stabbed the concrete wall several times with a large pair of scissors in frustration as I felt like physically harming, although I would never allow myself do this to me or another person. 

I was offered a place at a university. I can't go because I've exhausted my financial options, in the meantime. I will do everything in my power to attain justice in my life, from now on.

Genesis

I have spent many months trying to understand how the world came into being, and trying to establish myself as a human being.

I have figured out that there are a number of things that I will never be able to know for certain, and that I should stop wasting my time attempting this. I have been constantly reading ideas across the web, and I am no closer to truth.

Some times I think that the internet is a microcosm of my mind, and that my mind is a processor of external information and that the world is simply a programme on a computer. A bit like the matrix theory, how do I know what is real, who is real and whether they have their own existence or whether they are just a part of my subjective experience?

I am a very lonely person, and I have accepted my mistakes and in the future I hope to live harmoniously and that one day I will make some friends that genuinely get along with each other and base our companionship on positive aspects and mutual interests.

That is the meaning of life, to be happy, to love, and of course, to be loved.

Survival

God knows why I'm still writing on here

After all this time, I'm still attracted to writing here. I don't know why its necessary, perhaps its remotely a fickle flounce to false hope. I'm the world's worst grammar Nazi, I'm a bad friend, and even more pretentious than ever. I have an alter-ego, and sometimes I have to polarize her, to tame her, to balance her out, even when I'm winning against the odds. It's only fair to remember that with power, comes responsibility, and knowledge is power; seek and ye shall find. Sometimes I wonder if I should never have gone searching in the first place.

May be I will become that work-a-holic I always envisaged myself to be, the really hard-working girl, the educated one, the one who could take care of herself and the one people admired. The one who had good advice, the one who always remembered your face and would ask you to remind her of your name, the one who would drink wine with the girls but could drink a beer with the lads too, the one who loved fashion but thrift in charity shops, the one who loved every thing from Bee-Gees to Bullet for my Valentine, the one who never gave up at the first hurdle, but tried over and over even if she got hurt in the process. The one who people remembered for being articulate and witty and always having a laugh but never offending any one in the process; forever concise and tactful.

The one who taught herself every thing, sent herself to insanity and dragged herself back out of hell, that inner torment every day and nobody could hear her cries, she muffled the sounds with a tub of ice cream and dark films. She plays her music loud, and doesn't actually give a hoot whether the neighbours are impressed or not. Her taste forever changing, like the tides of the sea, and the crescents of the moon, of course. The one who would meet people from all over the world in her home town, take risks and say dumb shit and live to tell the tale. How many times she had done that, I lose count, the painful mistakes she makes, repeat themselves like scratched vinyl, and she reminds herself daily, that this is what she wanted.

It is not clear from this moment, whether or not she was destined to be here or it is a series of choices that have landed her up here. On the contrary, I have been in worse places, therefore I am grateful for this opportunity, I will make the best of it and not squander it like every other space in time.

Radioactive Cults

Greetings from animal turned human turned idiopathic.
This is a message about everything.

They say, in the age of information ignorance is a choice, however, I would like to argue that since everything is objective, since seeing is believing sure, and if articles swamping the internet suppose study after study over one thing and another are claiming to prove that this and that was proven true, then I'd like to see them in person. Anyone can put any bollocks on the internet, and I think it's making the world go mad. It's all propaganda, dogma and the art of persuasion. I believe people need to make their lives what they want of it, there is no other reason, although with all due respect, there are ways to live and ways they do should not affect other people negatively.

Now I know more about mind control, coming from not only air pollution, technology and dentistry, but there are genuine psychic attacks on individuals trying to break away from the masses.

There's a fine line between illusion and reality, and creation is the only way to break the cycle.

We are still limited to what we can do, given our current circumstances, however this is not to indoctrinate false hope or delude any one into thinking they can ever have control of the direction of their livelihood. For we are subjected to something we can barely reach, and have yet to make the tools to fight against all of the injustice in the world. We say we seek a fairer world, a more civilised world, one with out war, one with patience for people and their conditions, since not every one is as fortunate as you and I.

I live with a Libyan dude, that was pretty rough, at least in England he is safe and can live a pretty normal life. As someone born in Britain, it is difficult for me to change. Born into what I believe to be something that I alone do not have the capacity to mould. A tighter system, less opportunities to explore, and a harder time getting into the things we want to do with our lives. Dreams are crushed by media and celebrities telling you want you should want, and we are on self destruct with the swarm of information that overpowers our own inner voice, and deep down that makes me feel a bit ashamed to be alive.

I didn't ask to be born, and I never meant to hurt anyone, but I suppose that's just the way life rolls.
I am still learning about religion, although every one argues with me that it causes too much war, yet personally I have found a lot of truth in scripture and books such as, "The Celestine Prophecy" which is the story of a supposed ancient manuscript that has counterparts discovered over Peru etc. Anyway, it talks about a lot of stuff, but there's no proof. So here I go again, every thing is subjective.

Believe what you want, but I still think the world is like The Matrix. 
Plus, every thing is a cult. Cult is a word that is tossed around a lot with out giving it a proper meaning, but just look closely when you walk down the street, on shopping labels, in your music and when you're out with your drinking buddies... Even the internet is the fucking NWO...

There's no escape, I'm literally going around in circles. I'm spiraling upwards slowly, and I really want to just get into heaven and be an angel and help people from up above because in this physical realm I can barely take care of myself, and at the end of the day, we're only stuck in our own heads.

Sometimes I think that may be even if one person reads this blog that it might inspire them or help them or give them some sort of insight, because we do feel like we can't express ourselves properly most of the time, since words are just invented to give meaning and identity, just like your own name.

For example, what is fear? What is lust? What is hope? I know I have hope when I look into the night sky and look at the stars, I know I have hope when I see my sister, I know I have hope when I see people standing up for what they stand for; because when you don't stand for something you get stood on!

This world is full of crooks who want you for sex, money and self gratification! They have lost their way because something is missing inside themselves, and a true path would be to take some time out of society or a vacation or visiting important people from their past because they are the ones who remind us of the essence of who we really are. People are so busy all the time, it's not good for your health if you never stop to think. Then again, think too much and you end up classed 'mentally ill'.

I object, I think it's still mind control.

Bonjour, I won't leave it this long again.

I totally could not have foreseen that I would still be here to write this today.
In fact, after the blow at Christmas I think these posts have become an extremely personal story. I am admitting to being wrong about a lot of things. In absolute truth, over February (which felt like a very cold November none the less) Spring has finally arrived, and with it, blessings of new beginnings.

I have been trying to preach my beliefs too much and with it have brought trouble amongst the quietest of shenanigans, and I have been focusing on music and covers for small gigs. I have met a lot of new people, which ever reminds me of the world being with One and All. But less of that, there have been some major mistakes along the way, but now, I know after the long haul, I must finish what I started, for once in my life! I did the gig in the end, I got stage fright and my after thought was that I should have that vino rouge before I went up after all. I was first on so it was a lot of pressure but I suppose the bits I did well, I did well.

I have until mid June to get all my work done. I am genuinely scared that I will fail.
Although this being a 'philosophy' blog, I shall say that, "the only thing to fear, is fear in itself" and that "failure is a result of not trying".

I've been busy, ironically, meditating, and the mundane tasks that are surprisingly difficult if you think about it too much, such as laundry and food expenditures. I believe in Angels. Somehow it's as if I prophesied sub-consciously that I was going to run out of money, again, and therefore stocked the freezer (my freezer is always empty because I like to eat fresh produce) or I live off toast, I'd never maintain my figure if I ate anything else... speaking of which, the bible does state we do not live off bread and butter alone... enough of that. New acquaintances fail to deny that the Bible or any holy book for that matter, does provide excellent morals. Singing will always be a special outlet for me. As much as writing.

I have not been feeling myself for a long time, and then I was diagnosed with Boarder-line Personality Disorder. Then I thought, this may have something to do with the collective conciousness malarkey that a few of my friends were conversing about. My spiritual beliefs have taken me to insanity and back. My vision impaired, hallucinations and may be I really did lose the love of my life. Time will tell. On the topic of time, I have been discussing it's illusion with people over the last couple of months. It is certainly a subjective thing, and as time goes by, we work around a man made clock, for man made purposes and I came to the epiphany that a core meaning of life, is to have offspring. How this relates to not only my own life but now a truer understanding of a wider perspective. We have to work to buy things to provide for these families we want. Therefore, I got my head down a little bit and made a few mates on the way.

We go in and out of each other lives and whether this is dictated by our own actions alone is another matter for discussion. I think fate has a huge role to play in why and how we meet other people and do different things. Drug taking for example has to be introduced by someone? If you take drugs, then once before you trusted these people and regard them as friends, but with my new knowledge, I am claiming that I am still dubious about their effects. Would I ever have landed in hospital if I had never touched them? I cannot know because I am not a Time Lord. I stopped watching Doctor Who after Chris Tenant because I didn't like Matt Smith as the Doctor.

Since Valentine's Day (if you were expecting a V Day post think again, I was literally miles away)  I have actually been to Scarborough the day I was made redundant from my last job for a mini vacation. I stayed in a beautiful hotel called Park Manor. I enjoyed the fancy bathroom, some free-view and a take away in bed, with myself. It proved to be quite healing for my mental and spiritual well-being. The following day, I went to a Baptist Church and cried and cried and cried. It was beautiful and moving, and cleansing. I met two lovely girls, one whom was a teacher and the other a training nurse. Both enlightened me about caring for others, loving what you do and working hard. I learnt more about forgiveness and love. They recommended I get back to Church in my local town. I should not disagree, I think I am suffering a case like Miss Havisham out of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. We were made to study it at school but it remains to be one of my most influencing books and I would recommend it to any one who likes a good novel.

I focused on my project for my course, yet this proves to overlap it quite intimately. I actually deluded myself for a brief period that I would sell my soul to become an elitist in the music industry, and then I decided to become a Gypsy and save all my money from work to get a licence and buy a motor-home and run away for 7 years and then I decided to become a teacher because my Mum would be proud and then I realised that the education system is ruled over by government which is dictated by Parliament which is owned by secret government who we can't reach and fight!

I thought about joining the army, but apparently I'm getting too old to join; at 21 I thought that I would be prize for the picking, am I not at my fitness potential? I am actually anti war. I forgot I was born in the wrong Era, I dislike the internet, I miss the dapper 20's fashion and I have the heart of a 60's child... In the fitness sense, I joined a Pole Dance class, despite the stigma it is excellent for building strength in core muscles, after all I contemplated the concept that we are really simply stuck in our own bodies until we die so I may as well take good care of it as only I am the person who needs to function in it until my end days. I never thought I'd live long, I can't imagine growing old alone. These days I prefer my own company. I have this conspiracy about energy. If you knock about with people who have the wrong energy vibration, or if you do not compliment each other then you're setting yourself up for setbacks in your personal journey and spiritual growth.

There's limitless topics to discuss. So much happens day after day, it builds up and then I forget, like sand through a sieve, and I lose track of where I am, I often do not really feel like I'm here... on Earth.

I have been researching other dimensions of being. Heaven and Hell exist in the mind, sure, but that's psychology. What I'm getting at is the science of matter. I'd like to talk about it further, but I do not know enough to explain yet. All I know, is that we are sensory beings, and I feel a lot.

Whilst every one else seemed to be outside enjoying the eclipse on Thursday, I was the obscure person sitting over my laptop reading about it's significance in a religious context. I may as well change my name and wear a disguise. I'm crazy after all, I wanted to change my entire identity, but I'm probably just running away from something, but we're all going somewhere whether we enjoy it at all, or not. We all die eventually and I don't plan to waste any more time; yet that brings me closer to something my ex said to me once, "time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time"

I hope I can do some normal stuff soon.

I think work and college and self care is a handful enough as it is.

Hopefully I can leave the past in the past, and beat this misogynistic society I find myself buried in deception and worries about possible vulnerability. I know martial arts and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself, I have a loud voice and powerful projection. I hope I can encourage other women to be strong. I hope to educate young people about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. If you're in bad company, GTFO.

C'est Tout.