Plan B

"Get some money, Fuck em all..." - Mac Miller

This is an extract of an unpublished preach to myself, to convince myself to leave society. 

8/09/14
Fuck Everything. College, work, family, friends, who would miss me? I wouldn't miss me.

I am brave enough now. No emotion is the final one. Money is slavery.
The world was given to us for free, why can't I experience it?
I could go around the world, beg, borrow and steal, do anything to get away.
Proper put myself in the shit, then appreciate a home.
I'm ever ready, now.

You can do it.
Leave all the material things behind. ALL of them.
I didn't ask to be brought into the world, may as well make of it as I wish.
It will be dangerous, but I crave adventure. Excitement, heart banging adrenaline. Not drugs, parties and people. All life is one. 
If I can leave, there will be no coming back.
Just leave. Forget every one. It's already fucked up.

This is my calling. I can barely feel the blood in my veins.
I wanted entertainment. Life seems to be one big online competition. One post after another, about how great every ones life is.
That's all well and good, but I never fitted any where.
All this dogma, these occults and craziness. All these people.
Just another part of my imagination. 
Shall I throw it all away? A job, a home, a degree. Am I even sane? 


I genuinely have more problems than most people I know
Perhaps that's why they speak to me. To feel better about themselves.

EDIT>30/09/2014 - Incorrect. They have their own personal battles, as do I. People need each other to vent to, and that's okay. It's called empathy.

It's not changed since I was 13. This was destined. >well, you do think everything happens for a reason.

I have everything and I am still unhappy.> it's called depression?

I am so close to running away. It's such a perplexing idea.> we all want to escape sometimes, responsibility is a hefty burden to us all. Some have children and sick loved ones to think of too, so consider yourself lucky.

No where is home any more, I lost that when I was smoking pot.> perhaps you realised, after consuming drugs, your vibration raised and suddenly there was more to life than meets the eye. Earth is home, for now. In this life. Deal with it.

No matter where I go, my personal issues torment me.> forgive yourself, and just try to move on. Besides, don't keep looking back you're not going that way.

But disappearing into the abyss of a dying planet would be better than suicide. At least then I would be living. Rather than a mere, human being.> just try and blend in a bit more and make yourself of good use to others (helping through kindness, not allowing people to take unfair advantage of you for evil desires)

I'm too old for this shit. I'm too broken to be fixed. I've had enough of it. Hurting people and being hurt. I'd rather be alone. >you've got through deliberately smashing up 3 phones before you came to this revelation...
*Seeks Help*

30/09/14 Present Moment
Hopefully, as each day brings new challenges, I will become wiser, simply by making better decisions and rationalisations.

I agree that all of the above is ridiculous. I'll leave it here to shame myself as a reminder to grow the fuck up. In retrospect, I sound like an idiot, but the fantasy is genuine. 

The Voices

It's sort of like having an occasional voice-over to your life. Except it's not cool and collected sounding like Morgan Freeman. Imagine, a wise man and malicious critic, conferring between your ears, day after day.

How am I sure that I am even alive? After all, the voices could be mere projections of my desperation to recreate something that imitates what life should have been.

What with a booming online world, from gaming, to dating to seeking employment, there really isn't any thing which is not covered by the internet. Therefore, our reality has evolved onto the monitor you are reading this from. This is perhaps the truth that we have been all searching for in our daily lives. You cannot escape it. It is all around you.

Take a few days off and you will quickly become absorbed by the 'real' world around you. Today, I felt at one with everything around me, and it was quite pleasant and comforting. This time around, I did not feel the usual paranoia that I experience around the city centre. Today, I felt normal.

Starting my new job tomorrow, so hopefully I won't let the voices I believe to hear fuck up my motivation and confidence. I sometimes think that the voices I hear are actually the thoughts of people around me, I am like a transmitter, "receiving" their data from their brains on a sort of radio-wave. Sometimes I think I am psychic. Sometimes I think I am fooling myself. In hindsight, I am just like any body else. I am not special.

It could be my conscience, or a battle between my heart and my head, especially when it comes to decision making. I postulate that the voices I hear are in fact, the voices of the spirit. The spirit is, inside all of us and conjoins each of us (in a totally difficult way to express in little words, damn)

I have been trying to seek, like minded individuals, and thus far have probably found a few, if at all. It's like angels have been sent to visit me to relight my faith in all this, freak show planet earth. From time to time, the visitors are kind, or show me lessons in love, or tell me information about the wider world outside of my protective bubble. I am just inhabiting a human body, a lost soul, searching for the right answers. But how can I know if some one is wrong? Who am I to tell them their perspective is incorrect? I have only ever seen through my own eyes. My own experiences cannot account for other's too. Oh how I wish I knew everything, then again, what ever I do say could be taken as indoctrinating, so better keep my opinions to myself, huh.

My psych told me to write about the voices, but really there's not a lot I can do about them. I mostly just listen to music to muffle them out. As much as possible. Though it does piss me off how when I'm trying to enjoy something like reading, or writing, or listen to someone speaking, hell even when I'm at work and focusing on a task, I'd like to think they'll leave me alone whilst I'm attempting to be productive...

God and Science do co-exist, they're just considered opposing because they are alternate ways of explaining the same scenario. Neither is wrong. It's all about how your mind works with interpretation.

Hopefully I won't hear The Voices as much any more as I continue to fade through life like everyone else. I didn't ask for this sort of abuse. The indomitable spirit truly masters life in mysterious ways, no cliché intended.

The Course To Peace From Corruption

It has been exactly another month that has flown by since I last posted on my blog.

I finally collected my old journals from my father. My some-what troubled, 13-Year-Old Self, and recovered some commiserating evidence, to the inside of a young girls mind, that being my own awful ideologies and morals. It was embarrassing to hear myself as I turned the pages, in a boastful font, along side some really child like exclamations.  The truth is, I haven't changed at all in 6 years. It's horrendous news. Which means my priorities, perspective and self-portrait have never taken an amicable shape. I have a judgemental eye, a foul mouth and only hear what I want to hear. This has led me to numerous officials, trying to put me under a category in order to try and understand where my behaviours have (suspected PD)

Which does not surprise me in the slightest. After all, from my last post, aren't we all essentially the same person anyway?

I've discovered a way to create my own reality. All you do is use positive thinking, constructive methods and logical rationalisations to get what you want in life. It requires patience (if I have learnt anything in life at all, it would be patience) and secondly some emotional support of family and the circle of others around you. If you are struggling to find either of these, seek help elsewhere. Go to places of interest, find local groups involving people who are like minded to yourself.

I wanted a friendly female house share during my second year of studying Journalism. Now I have that, due to the measures I took in conferring my own options. I was unhappy where I lived. I was literally living in a box like room with a prison type aura. This is where I hallucinated amber lights on the blank ceiling when I didn't sleep for four nights straight. I heard insomnia is a bitch, well I've had my taste of it and it's like a living hell. God bless those suffering from that kind of disorder.

Now I have all the elements at my disposal. I am ready to face the music and deal with the mundane and necessary tasks, an adult must do in relation to a decent quality of life. I have been avoiding responsibility for years now, and that time is up. A lot of friends have moved on, whether that have been physically or just drifted apart, I guess it is a fact of life. We are in this together, yet we must protect ourselves and care for our own well being, if we ever want to meet the right people.

On another topic, I have spent a lot of time slandering the internet's value to the human race. Of course, in the western world it is taken for granted. I have spent 2/3 months offline intermittently, between various stages of moving home again and again, and now I seem to have landed fairly well amongst some people like me. The internet provides me with entertainment, communications, services and learning. As they say, in this age of information, ignorance is a choice. Amen to that.

I do hope, from the bottom of my heart, that I can succeed on this path from a corrupted path, towards inner peace. Namaste.