Love

If two people want to be together, both parties will make that evident. If two people want are in love, they will seem inseparable, because their hearts are magnetised. If two individuals meet and there is instant chemistry, it is because there are energies and powers of attraction beyond our capacity to understand. We can surely feel something, usually intuitively, with out realising it at first glance. Take a few steps back, for a fuller view. You will see that there are different reasons why we chose the lovers and companions that we do. Each 'love' is unique in it's own right. There are never two loves the same. Even the love that the two people share. Feelings may be mutual, but the experience shared by both is unique to themselves. Only they can feel their love. That is why sometimes people find it hard to believe they are loved or could ever be, since they cannot feel it, only judge it's truth from the words and actions of the other. Perhaps the individual has never loved any one themself. May be they do not love themselves, as this is said to be the initial path to finding love. You must be comfortable in yourself and happy in your own life, before inviting some body else into it.

I say this because, although I am no expert, I consider myself to have encountered many beautiful, yet tragic, escapades in love.

It may not have always been 'true' love though. Not the unconditional love I feel towards family, or old friends, in the event that, God forbid, any thing happened to any of them, at the shot of a bullet, I'd be there. It doesn't matter about the past, no matter how trialling that partnership had been, or whether my relationships with family had frayed, if that person was fragile and needed my support, I'd be right there. Unconditional love is selfless, it is forgiving, it is kind, it is being happy for their happiness and their successes. If this particular 'love' makes you feel anxious, belittled, uneasy and foolish, then it is best to leave it to rest. Some relationships are like broken mirrors, it might be better to leave the pieces be than hurt yourself more trying to pick them up. There is also lust. In the beginning you think it is 'love at first sight' then with some weeks, months or sometimes years, the fire fizzles out, and strangely, you realise that the feelings you had towards that person were merely an illusion of sexual attraction. It is painful to discover, the time and emotions you invested into that person were based on superficial beliefs. With maturity and life experience, you begin to understand, what real love is about.

I was having a conversation with my friend over coffee this afternoon, and I told her about my recent revelation, that the concept of "The One" is sadly a commercial manipulation tactic. It warps peoples perspective of love, they hope that 'someone' is going to come into their lives and 'complete' them, when the reality is one needs to be whole in the first place, all the pieces are there to work with, it's just using those qualities to their full potential and efficiently to create a wonderful life to one day invite a special companion into. On the contrary, there are stories of people who stumble upon each other on their darkest days, however I would call this empathy rather than love, since it's simply a shared experience or situation that both can try to encourage each other to smile through... ? 

I digress. I hold close to the idea that there are numerous compatible people for us all over the world. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves first, apres ca, we can involve new lovers to learn and enjoy lifes journey together. In the mean time, nurture precious friendships, these people will most likely still be around after the rise and fall of your romantic relationship. The game of love is an unsteady one, it is not a bed of roses, a la the movies.

Trial and error. Know yourself before getting to know any one else. In the end, you only have you. You may be reading this now, alone, wondering when you're going to be happy, when you're going to end this solitude, when are you going to find some one? A lot of music and media endorses the image of "can't live with out another somebody" [insert generic song lyrics here] Media are notorious for selling sex and popularity and making you feel like shit for just floating around trying your best all the fucking time. Sometimes you just feel like it isn't enough and that you need somebody, when you only need yourself really. Be self reliant.

People are fickle, unreliable, untrustworthy, selfish, passive, wandering through this life, as clueless as you are.

When another person does come along, and you just seem to get on and you don't have any hesitation, I say thank you to my angels and pursue the friendship, if love blossoms, you just know in good time. Always guard your heart. Don't give it away easily, words are cheap. If a person truly cares about you, they will remain in your life not because they want something from you, but because they have your own interest in mind. For example, if you are passionate about music, they would celebrate your progress if you were to start a band or start writing music (just an EXAMPLE)

If someone loves you, they make you feel safe. They let you know that they are always there for you. They make you smile and laugh. They compliment you for your personal quirks. They admire you because you are real, accepting of your flaws and that you may have different views on certain matters. All the same, this person will show they care for you in any circumstances. They will go out of there own boundaries to make life easier for you. If that means staying up on the phone to you late at night after you had a bad day even though they have work in the morning.,, they will, because they love you.

They want to see you as often as possible, they may surprise you in ways you've never imagined. It is not always the predictable, conventional or expected romantic gestures. Yes I am continuing to write about romantic love. It would seem my entire life, has been based on this type of love. Unfortunately, it steered away from friendship and family, which is what inspired me to write this on my blog. It doesn't matter is nobody reads it, at least I have it here to refer back to, when I fuck up again. Anyway.

We all want to find someone. Someone we click with. Someone we can't imagine being with out. Someone who reflects us. People are like mirrors, they reflect us. Sorry this is all just getting a bit too corny for me but, it's my guilty pleasure. Tangeant. I love music. It is possible to love some thing, at least that won't leave you. Suppose it's unchanging, I mean, you find an album or a record that you adore, well, it's produced and published, and here to stay in the technically infinite library of tunes.

So these outlets, in art, sport, food (not comfort just the pleasure of cooking) self-care, reading, writing, what ever floats your boat, is crucial to the vitality and the essence of you. These building blocks keep you standing tall and strong. Like jenga bricks, if you let anything or anyone remove one of these, you'll begin to wobble and may fall apart. I have been sorry to witness, and personally endure this mess. It is as if a relationship saturates all of your energy and you have no time left for your own leisure. Unless you happen to cross someone with all the same hobbies or that person is not a dick and doesn't try to overhaul your life then you're a lucky one. Because I found the majority of people suck. Either I attract freaks (as a freak would) or I am looking in the wrong places. May be I shouldn't look at all.

Again, that is also another funny love lesson. Love will find you once you stop searching for it!
Just eat well, get enough sleep, if you have one good friend then you have all the love and riches in the world.
Blessings and sweet dreams, hoping tomorrow brings you lots of peace and light into your life.

SW

Vanishing Act

Thank God, I'm back on this fucking unbelievable blog.

I'm guessing it's just somewhere for me to publicly exercise my ego, and it works to some extent. So welcome back, anonymous reader. Even if it's just somewhere for myself to archive a fragment of thoughts from my feeble mind then so be it. Unfortunately my PC belongs in a museum. I joke about this, but it's actually getting beyond a joke now. Another thing, I am supposed to be cracking down with assignments but it's fucking hopeless. I spent the last 2 months bumming around as usual, getting up to all sorts of shit as I always do, "getting up in everyone's grill" and them in return, adding their dirt all over my own shit and it's been catastrophic. I've basically lost everything again. I had this well nice house and an alright job although it didn't account to much and that's ended pretty sourly on my end and well... I'm just fucking sick of life now. 

Every fucking time I start getting somewhere, some fucking asshole (I am growing to strongly dislike the majority of people, which is not uncommon, I am aware) will come and sap all my 'pure' energy, I get started on building connections, creating a schedule and an abundant life (I give credit to spirit) and then some total imbecile will come along and steal it all away from me. I haven't got time to go round pleasing every one else any more. Because every one I ever loved, has fucked off. The epiphany that most people are so brain dead, or on drugs, or I'm simply not getting through to them, is remarkable.

I found a light-workers website, thank goodness. Perhaps now I will be able to pursue my dreams with like minded people for a better world. There is a handful of supporters to my views about the world, and great friendships have blossomed as a result to that over the years. It's really special when you meet someone, especially 'coincidentally' and figure there's this instant warmness between the both of you, before anything has really been said. It's understanding, it's empathy and it's unity. That just about relights my faith in people all over again.

I keep trying to find my 'faith group' and after years at the Baptist Church, then to the Spiritualist church, now I find myself surrounded by undisclosed Pagans *sigh*

My handy tips to chilling out when it all gets a bit too much (not in any particular order):

1. Petting a cat or dog
2. Looking at the stars
3. Listening to music
4. Walking in the park or by a river
5. A nice warm drink
6. Talking to a trusted friend over the phone

I read a book called The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger, near the end the protagonist states, he doesn't like getting close to people, other wise you start to miss them.
I so soaked up that shit, in fact, I think that it is very honest. Another way to keep yourself company is with a fantastic book. I really need to get my teeth into another great novel as the one above. It's got to be mournful, dark and pretentious as fuck.

These sort of stories give me a strange vibration of comfort.

I've decided not to do any more vanishing acts, on the virtual world or the physical plane.

Can't be dreaming all the time, unfortunately. Shit to do.

Plan B

"Get some money, Fuck em all..." - Mac Miller

This is an extract of an unpublished preach to myself, to convince myself to leave society. 

8/09/14
Fuck Everything. College, work, family, friends, who would miss me? I wouldn't miss me.

I am brave enough now. No emotion is the final one. Money is slavery.
The world was given to us for free, why can't I experience it?
I could go around the world, beg, borrow and steal, do anything to get away.
Proper put myself in the shit, then appreciate a home.
I'm ever ready, now.

You can do it.
Leave all the material things behind. ALL of them.
I didn't ask to be brought into the world, may as well make of it as I wish.
It will be dangerous, but I crave adventure. Excitement, heart banging adrenaline. Not drugs, parties and people. All life is one. 
If I can leave, there will be no coming back.
Just leave. Forget every one. It's already fucked up.

This is my calling. I can barely feel the blood in my veins.
I wanted entertainment. Life seems to be one big online competition. One post after another, about how great every ones life is.
That's all well and good, but I never fitted any where.
All this dogma, these occults and craziness. All these people.
Just another part of my imagination. 
Shall I throw it all away? A job, a home, a degree. Am I even sane? 


I genuinely have more problems than most people I know
Perhaps that's why they speak to me. To feel better about themselves.

EDIT>30/09/2014 - Incorrect. They have their own personal battles, as do I. People need each other to vent to, and that's okay. It's called empathy.

It's not changed since I was 13. This was destined. >well, you do think everything happens for a reason.

I have everything and I am still unhappy.> it's called depression?

I am so close to running away. It's such a perplexing idea.> we all want to escape sometimes, responsibility is a hefty burden to us all. Some have children and sick loved ones to think of too, so consider yourself lucky.

No where is home any more, I lost that when I was smoking pot.> perhaps you realised, after consuming drugs, your vibration raised and suddenly there was more to life than meets the eye. Earth is home, for now. In this life. Deal with it.

No matter where I go, my personal issues torment me.> forgive yourself, and just try to move on. Besides, don't keep looking back you're not going that way.

But disappearing into the abyss of a dying planet would be better than suicide. At least then I would be living. Rather than a mere, human being.> just try and blend in a bit more and make yourself of good use to others (helping through kindness, not allowing people to take unfair advantage of you for evil desires)

I'm too old for this shit. I'm too broken to be fixed. I've had enough of it. Hurting people and being hurt. I'd rather be alone. >you've got through deliberately smashing up 3 phones before you came to this revelation...
*Seeks Help*

30/09/14 Present Moment
Hopefully, as each day brings new challenges, I will become wiser, simply by making better decisions and rationalisations.

I agree that all of the above is ridiculous. I'll leave it here to shame myself as a reminder to grow the fuck up. In retrospect, I sound like an idiot, but the fantasy is genuine. 

The Voices

It's sort of like having an occasional voice-over to your life. Except it's not cool and collected sounding like Morgan Freeman. Imagine, a wise man and malicious critic, conferring between your ears, day after day.

How am I sure that I am even alive? After all, the voices could be mere projections of my desperation to recreate something that imitates what life should have been.

What with a booming online world, from gaming, to dating to seeking employment, there really isn't any thing which is not covered by the internet. Therefore, our reality has evolved onto the monitor you are reading this from. This is perhaps the truth that we have been all searching for in our daily lives. You cannot escape it. It is all around you.

Take a few days off and you will quickly become absorbed by the 'real' world around you. Today, I felt at one with everything around me, and it was quite pleasant and comforting. This time around, I did not feel the usual paranoia that I experience around the city centre. Today, I felt normal.

Starting my new job tomorrow, so hopefully I won't let the voices I believe to hear fuck up my motivation and confidence. I sometimes think that the voices I hear are actually the thoughts of people around me, I am like a transmitter, "receiving" their data from their brains on a sort of radio-wave. Sometimes I think I am psychic. Sometimes I think I am fooling myself. In hindsight, I am just like any body else. I am not special.

It could be my conscience, or a battle between my heart and my head, especially when it comes to decision making. I postulate that the voices I hear are in fact, the voices of the spirit. The spirit is, inside all of us and conjoins each of us (in a totally difficult way to express in little words, damn)

I have been trying to seek, like minded individuals, and thus far have probably found a few, if at all. It's like angels have been sent to visit me to relight my faith in all this, freak show planet earth. From time to time, the visitors are kind, or show me lessons in love, or tell me information about the wider world outside of my protective bubble. I am just inhabiting a human body, a lost soul, searching for the right answers. But how can I know if some one is wrong? Who am I to tell them their perspective is incorrect? I have only ever seen through my own eyes. My own experiences cannot account for other's too. Oh how I wish I knew everything, then again, what ever I do say could be taken as indoctrinating, so better keep my opinions to myself, huh.

My psych told me to write about the voices, but really there's not a lot I can do about them. I mostly just listen to music to muffle them out. As much as possible. Though it does piss me off how when I'm trying to enjoy something like reading, or writing, or listen to someone speaking, hell even when I'm at work and focusing on a task, I'd like to think they'll leave me alone whilst I'm attempting to be productive...

God and Science do co-exist, they're just considered opposing because they are alternate ways of explaining the same scenario. Neither is wrong. It's all about how your mind works with interpretation.

Hopefully I won't hear The Voices as much any more as I continue to fade through life like everyone else. I didn't ask for this sort of abuse. The indomitable spirit truly masters life in mysterious ways, no cliché intended.

The Course To Peace From Corruption

It has been exactly another month that has flown by since I last posted on my blog.

I finally collected my old journals from my father. My some-what troubled, 13-Year-Old Self, and recovered some commiserating evidence, to the inside of a young girls mind, that being my own awful ideologies and morals. It was embarrassing to hear myself as I turned the pages, in a boastful font, along side some really child like exclamations.  The truth is, I haven't changed at all in 6 years. It's horrendous news. Which means my priorities, perspective and self-portrait have never taken an amicable shape. I have a judgemental eye, a foul mouth and only hear what I want to hear. This has led me to numerous officials, trying to put me under a category in order to try and understand where my behaviours have (suspected PD)

Which does not surprise me in the slightest. After all, from my last post, aren't we all essentially the same person anyway?

I've discovered a way to create my own reality. All you do is use positive thinking, constructive methods and logical rationalisations to get what you want in life. It requires patience (if I have learnt anything in life at all, it would be patience) and secondly some emotional support of family and the circle of others around you. If you are struggling to find either of these, seek help elsewhere. Go to places of interest, find local groups involving people who are like minded to yourself.

I wanted a friendly female house share during my second year of studying Journalism. Now I have that, due to the measures I took in conferring my own options. I was unhappy where I lived. I was literally living in a box like room with a prison type aura. This is where I hallucinated amber lights on the blank ceiling when I didn't sleep for four nights straight. I heard insomnia is a bitch, well I've had my taste of it and it's like a living hell. God bless those suffering from that kind of disorder.

Now I have all the elements at my disposal. I am ready to face the music and deal with the mundane and necessary tasks, an adult must do in relation to a decent quality of life. I have been avoiding responsibility for years now, and that time is up. A lot of friends have moved on, whether that have been physically or just drifted apart, I guess it is a fact of life. We are in this together, yet we must protect ourselves and care for our own well being, if we ever want to meet the right people.

On another topic, I have spent a lot of time slandering the internet's value to the human race. Of course, in the western world it is taken for granted. I have spent 2/3 months offline intermittently, between various stages of moving home again and again, and now I seem to have landed fairly well amongst some people like me. The internet provides me with entertainment, communications, services and learning. As they say, in this age of information, ignorance is a choice. Amen to that.

I do hope, from the bottom of my heart, that I can succeed on this path from a corrupted path, towards inner peace. Namaste.

The Beginning/ End

There's two ways in which this story could prevail. 
It's been a harsh two months since I have blogged anything on here and I would like to redeem and restart it once again.

This blog is usually treated as an outlet to personify my emotions at any given time.
With the amount of drugs and alcohol consumed in the last few weeks, I can safely say, I am totally burned out. It is not something I am proud of, yet the spiritual experience that I have gained from this fine for time has been unmissable. 

I have encountered many issues along the way; ones that include questioning my sexuality, career anxiety, fraying friendships, squandered opportunities and paranoia of being the centre of the joke. My relationships, my family, and health problems, all mixed up in a jungle of self created mazes, only to find myself in a long great struggle to rediscover myself. The core of who I was, has created me today. But who is she? In essence, just a spirit, inhabiting a body, I may have chosen, before birth, to allocate myself on this expedition, to realise what life is. To be a student on the planet, to know where I went wrong before. I honestly believe I have been here before. The amount of deja vu I have been getting has been peculiar. 

I also think that may be, according to my friends research, we are all just a collective conciousness, essentially all the same person just different bodies and personalities for the purpose of self expression. Suppose that's one of the morals between becoming a vegetarian, because animals have souls too. 

The End is Nigh. I slept with a bible on my chest last night. We are all sinners here, and people don't understand that the magic of the science in which the bible articulates so beautifully in poetry. And I'm only just getting started. I now fear more because the course of the actions I have followed through in my life, have steered me in a direction which has disabled me to follow my dreams. All has been interrupted by sinful thinking. It's not about being a Christian, or loving God, but more about faith.

We all have faith in some shape or form. Whether it be not believing in any thing or labelling yourself under one religion and everything in between. People get upset about religion because they think it is causing all of the wars in the world. But usually it is simply to do with arguments over money and land. People pin it on religion because it is easier to do so. If all the religions were studied, it would be safe to say that at the root of what they believe, it is in peace and the people themselves. So have faith in yourself first, and the rest will come. Your biggest desires are possible if you think about them hard enough, and pray for yourself to have strength to make it your destiny. God is inside you. 

So this is the beginning of the end of the first blog entry I have done for a while, and when I come back to it, things will be different again. I wonder what I'll be thinking about next time.

Eat, Sleep, Behave, Repeat.

This guy I live with knocked on my door in the early hours, half cut. I did my best to support him and lift his spirits. Perhaps he's already had a few too many. My puns are terrible. He apologised and admitted it was probably a bad idea for him to bother me at this hour, or contact me at all for that matter. He started telling me about some girl I knew at work that he had been dating, and why that ended. He apologised again, and said, "I'm sorry for using you" By now, I said, "It's okay, you're all the same. I don't care any more."

What did he want? I asked. "I'm lonely" he said. I explained that it was fine to ask for help when in need, every one needs an outlet, and I suggested blogging or writing or something. But no, it doesn't really suffice face to face conversation, nor does it even touch on serving the right framework for battling mental anguish.

After he left, I was tossing and turning trying to sleep, but I couldn't help but worry what he would do next. Providentially, he's appeared in the kitchen this afternoon, so my fear that he would do something stupid to himself, proved to be false. Hurrah.

As for myself, I have been moping around mostly. Blankly dismissing any text messages I receive, unwilling to speak to any one at the moment. I just want to be by myself. In my room. Alone.

It is one of the games my old friend plays with me. And that's okay. I don't mind today. 

Tomorrow I will be going into college to finish my article. Then I will produce some bs report on our studio project which my tutor agrees has been, somewhat a small disaster. And that's okay too. Because he said I'd pass to next year any way.

I have been listening to Amy Winehouse all day, not thinking about too much. Just existing in this bubble I've safely made for myself. Some might say spending too much time in solitude is unhealthy. But after the war I've fought, I'm not so quick to agree. 

So I saturated all the gloom, and floated like a lead balloon, I traced my mind back to the moon, I know I won't be returning soon; No matter what I try to do, it always comes back down to you, I live in mania but I'm making friends, one life begins, and another ends. - SW

 This is just one little hybrid of prose I like to crap out from time to time.

What on earth shall I do with myself today.