Can't Communicate

It's very frightening. I'm surrounded by strangers. The only person I remotely trust who isn't family is non other than someone I thought I didn't need in my life. Only now, it is much clearer that it may be a good time to accept what is done and practice free love, in hope that the loyalty and integrity is mutual.

I hate it when I get PMS. I hate being a girl and I hate the feeling I am a guy trapped in a female body. I would never consider changing my gender, I believe that despite this, I was made this way for a reason, in Gods image, and therefore should appreciate everything that was given to me. A working body, most the time with little aches or pains, and a brain of my own, where I can think about things carefully and process the wonders of the world.

On other articles there is a debate running that love doesn't exist. I believe that love is everything, and every one is God in manifestation. I would like to live a peaceful life and thank every one for being a part of it. With out them, I wouldn't be where I am today, despite all the drugs, the ups and downs, it doesn't take that to acknowledge that deep down, we're all the same, looking for an escape from this poor excuse for reality.

In my dreams, and deepest meditations, or closest scrapes with death (if that even makes sense) it is as if I am being called back to Earth, since my duties are not complete here yet. I am sure that there is something in the future which will do something good, to make life a nicer place, for people less fortunate than myself.

Currently, the rain is hammering down and it causing a roar, rolling against the ceiling, of the loft extension, which is my bedroom. I am very lucky to have landed here when I did, since I needed some where pronto. The dream is to move away, leave this City... I have been here my whole life, and there is infinite things to learn and discover in life. I really hope that in the next few days, I make the right choices, which will take me to my perfect destiny. I will not try to control things too much, because when I do it never turns out right, - or perhaps it is all the way things should be, I just cannot see it yet? I have come to some decisions about how to conduct myself. The drinking needs to cease, as I can't focus. My sleeping pattern is off the wall, and my ability to compose any thing during working hours is a dismal.

I may be applying for University tomorrow. If I do it may be life changing.
I may be going away in the summer for a few months.

I just wanted to write these down, as a reminder of the emotions I was facing the last two nights, I have cried and cried like a baby and now I just want to grow up and be able to operate soundly because I was driving myself insane thinking, oh I am so unworthy of any thing, why do I have all this opportunity, and some have no chances to defend themselves?

Women in foreign countries who have no right to education because of their oppressing and degrading governments. The derogatory generation, a vision warped by media, no longer have their own minds. Innocent families being driven out of their homes by war and poverty. Refugees darting into the darkness, away from the madness of a minority of crazed extremists with toxic arms.

And of course, the legless man with his guitar he can barely hold a chord together, but he carries on trying.

It can't rain all the time.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

I will just have to relish myself in my pastimes and trust in life and the experiences it has to offer.