Eat, Sleep, Behave, Repeat.

This guy I live with knocked on my door in the early hours, half cut. I did my best to support him and lift his spirits. Perhaps he's already had a few too many. My puns are terrible. He apologised and admitted it was probably a bad idea for him to bother me at this hour, or contact me at all for that matter. He started telling me about some girl I knew at work that he had been dating, and why that ended. He apologised again, and said, "I'm sorry for using you" By now, I said, "It's okay, you're all the same. I don't care any more."

What did he want? I asked. "I'm lonely" he said. I explained that it was fine to ask for help when in need, every one needs an outlet, and I suggested blogging or writing or something. But no, it doesn't really suffice face to face conversation, nor does it even touch on serving the right framework for battling mental anguish.

After he left, I was tossing and turning trying to sleep, but I couldn't help but worry what he would do next. Providentially, he's appeared in the kitchen this afternoon, so my fear that he would do something stupid to himself, proved to be false. Hurrah.

As for myself, I have been moping around mostly. Blankly dismissing any text messages I receive, unwilling to speak to any one at the moment. I just want to be by myself. In my room. Alone.

It is one of the games my old friend plays with me. And that's okay. I don't mind today. 

Tomorrow I will be going into college to finish my article. Then I will produce some bs report on our studio project which my tutor agrees has been, somewhat a small disaster. And that's okay too. Because he said I'd pass to next year any way.

I have been listening to Amy Winehouse all day, not thinking about too much. Just existing in this bubble I've safely made for myself. Some might say spending too much time in solitude is unhealthy. But after the war I've fought, I'm not so quick to agree. 

So I saturated all the gloom, and floated like a lead balloon, I traced my mind back to the moon, I know I won't be returning soon; No matter what I try to do, it always comes back down to you, I live in mania but I'm making friends, one life begins, and another ends. - SW

 This is just one little hybrid of prose I like to crap out from time to time.

What on earth shall I do with myself today.

Cheese

It's starting to make more sense to me now.

I ate half a block of Cranberry infused Wensleydale.
I have never felt more numb, although more certain of the way in which my life is right now.
I became unchained of my emotions. I no longer care, for very much. Moreover, I am still bound by financial, material and societal pressures to conform and remain still.

I am craving adventure, it was what I longed for all along.
I can here Stephen Hawking's voice in my head. I understand what Wallace and Gromit was really about, kind of. I mean, most of the time, people would assume, by my actions, my words, my attitude, that I am constantly on drugs, yet aren't we all? In a way, there IS no escape, from the water, the food we eat, the air we breathe. I lost the plot, it began with birth.

I cannot remember much before I was 4 years old. My first memories were those of early childhood, at a pre-school, I was audacious, confident, over-friendly, and bounteous. 

I never fathomed this before. Perhaps it is because I do not trust anyone, do not care about anyone, and merely like anyone enough, to have these feelings reciprocated, because surely they do not exist. Everything is created in my mind. Every thing I perceive, is a tall tale. A wound up toy, I'm ready to destroy.

I have been clouded by the smoke, prisoned by the brick walls, and not high enough to touch the sky. 

Whoever is still reading these posts on my blog has some real patience, and loyalty.

No emotion is the final one - Jeanette Winterson

Oh if I ever I could be such a success. One part of me wants to pursue the teaching career, the other half is kicking and screaming, "Run, Run...RUN" I can't deal with this emotional blackmail to myself. What gives? This writing, a steady string of thoughts I'll never share with any one.

Why are you waiting, what is holding you back? There is nothing left for me here.
I went to view an apartment today. It was big. Totally suited me. A little out of my price bracket. However.

I'll probably look back on this post eventually and want to kill myself again.
How pathetic, how awful, I must be as a person, if I just want to ditch every thing and every one I ever loved, needed, wanted, had connection to. No?

My life has meant nothing. Up to this day, I am still as anonymous as the person reading this. What a depressing reality we live in. It's like they say about karma, or you get what you give, blah blah blah. So it's really all my own doing. I didn't mean to, originally, I was just like any one else. Then I hit puberty and I was allowed to access higher levels of conciousness. I could relate to others more, be more aware of the atrocities in our world, and be more, dare I say, empathetic. 

What gives? Something's gotta give anyway. I have to get over myself I think. It's either fraud against my heart, or simply being egotistical and a nuisance. 

I have tea lights in my room. A Maximo Park poster. A plaque that says "Love Is Timeless" and another saying "Drink Coffee, Do Stupid Things Faster With More Energy". Another thingy on my wall that has my name on it that my Mum brought me back from her trip to Paris the other year.  Along with fanciful bedding, a new super sturdy pillow, some butterfly lamps and an oil burner, again, sticking with the butterfly theme. I have bought a new soft dusty pink rug. I have my Dad's old sound system I swiftly took ownership of after he left and a brand new Television, courteousy of my Mum's fella.  My room smells like clean laundry, for the sweatshop made clothing tapers over the new airer, thanks to The Range for your home bargains.

My wardrobe and chest of drawers swells with clothes of all my different personas. Like a unique disguise for every day of my life. I go to bed to die again. I wake up with the world in my hands. F me. That's another one. Sex. You can't avoid talking about it. That's the point isn't it? Scientifically speaking. We are here to pro-create. Suss out the best of the best in the genetic pool, hope for the best, shit out a load of sprogs and troop on like normal. Sound familiar? I don't have kids. Yet. They got me! The consumerism has engulfed me.

I bought more deodorant today and body spray. I opted for So...In Love from Wilko's as they were a quid on offer. There's my shoe rack, 7 glorious pairs. 4 black, 1 white, 1 red, 1 cream stiletto. I'm sure I do not need nearly even half the junk I have hoarded around with me for the last decade. I have reduced it a lot in the last 2, due to moving about 5 times, and my parents moving houses and everyone was moving, and I moved like the tides. In and out, up and back, swirling around, until my head popped off...

I can't contain my excitement, I can't wait 5 more years, or 10 more years. I can't settle, I am incapable of love, and I don't deserve shit. I am one of the richest/poorest people in the world. I have so much to do, and so little time. I feel. I FEEL. Feelings, ha. My neighbour today told me that the emotional and physical pain sensors are at the same part of the brain. Explains a lot that does. Personally I believe I can endure physical pain better, but perhaps that's part of being a woman. Women are designed to give birth, for F's sake. I'd rather feel physical pain, but I'm saying that as someone who has never walked that path so please pardon me for saying so. I have psychosis, it's not my fault. There goes the displacement again, oh internet I fall at your mercy!

This is so boring. I'm going away soon, I have my tickets booked. I don't know if I'll come back, but I kinda have to. To finish college and all, that would probably be the more sensible, preferred, wiser decision. I'm running out of ideas. I never needed any one, after all. 

I'm sorry.

Imagination is greater than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world - Albert Einstein

Problems

We all have our own problems.

I don't have any real problems. It's all self-created shit in my head.
Depression is my oldest friend, it comes and goes from day to day, like the many people I have met throughout my life time thus far. I was once told I am an insightful, interesting and intelligent person, although I disagree. I am convinced I am ignorant, or may be just out of my depth. I feel emotionally 40 years old, and behave like a 4 year old. Some separated, torn up, broken soul, hurt by many, can barely comprehend the events of her own life. Thus far.

I flick through the television, I read flatly through novels, self help books, admiring the language, the themes and the context, and then invent some deeper meaning, dragging myself through further torment. All my actions are choice, and then coincidence/fate steps in and offers me further decisions to make and I just can't handle that because I hate change, and I hate taking responsibility.

I think every one is shitting on me. It's karma after all. I'm not a good person. I am as much Satanic and Lord Of the Flies, as are the people dropping bombs, and raping small girls. I just demonstrate my evil in other outlets. I don't know whether to get rid of all my possessions, take a coach and leave, or stay and endure the next few years ahead of studies to pursue my dream of becoming a conventional citizen, and someone who can be respected and accepted in society, as a teacher.

But we never think we're good enough, smart enough, strong enough, motivated enough. I just want to sleep all the time and let life pass me by, my dreams are waaaaay more fun than reality. Even when I do fun stuff like, socialising and hobbies, watching movies, listening to music, and writing. My creative standpoint.

My linguistics are getting poorer each time I write now. I was considering writing a children's books and trying to make a living from such a muse. 

I find comfort in watching shows such as Judge Judy, Jerry Springer, and advertisements.

I've tried the pills, the counselling, the books, the online advice, my family and friend's support, and with all due reverence, I think this psychosis is just a part of me. It was a transition during the time I was smoking a hella lotta pot, and it seems to have unveiled or 'triggered' if you may, and unlocked this rampant creature with in me.

I am constantly still, but heading some where. 
I am always producing theories that will shortly bury themselves into my unconscious, only to later appear as imagery in my slumber, that I will never share with another human being. Ever. It is sad. We are all the same yet completely different to each other, all by genetics. Science. It's even more distressing whilst, I cannot trust other people, but now I fear my own irrational perspective. God knows what crazy crap I'm going to embellish with hell next.

♫

How I was feeling at this moment in time

The Night I Decided To Change My Life

I found this on my PC from around this time last year. Oh Boy...

01.55am

03/05/2013

I haven't written for a long time.

I have everything I wanted.

My own place, amazing boyfriend, family support, near enough a full time job. Night out, nights in. Drugs, sex, music. 

Opportunity, hope, help, friends, chances and chances and chances, I keep destroying in the palms of my hands.

A gift, to write, to sing, to explore, I'm surviving fine.

I don't believe in luck anymore. I don't believe in God.

I don't know what happens when you die, but nobody really does. It's called Faith.

I don't think destiny exists anymore either. My life is in the control of myself, and no one else.

The problem I face, is the fact that I couldn't see how fortunate I truly am. Until I met Corey.

Corey helped me realise how much I have going for me, and the issue is, I have some seriously deep mental scarring from past relationships, and I beat myself up for all the mistakes I've made, the person I was or to become, therefore I'm never really living in the now.

Thus, I cannot enjoy today to it's full potential. So what's the point in living? 

If you can't appreciate what you've got, when you've got more than the majority of the population of the world... well then, I must suck in general.

Am I so blind? So stupid, to waste it all with procrastination, endless nights of getting fucked, feeling down about little things that wouldn't even cross another's mind, whilst they're scared shitless about whether or not they'll eat tonight, have a place to sleep... will they be alright?

I know what I like, and dislike. I've only started being honest with myself of late, maybe it wasn't soon enough.

I'm in limbo. I can see the end and there's two paths, one is a happy route, the other is a sharp decent into insanity. It's my choice.

I possess the power to change this all around. It all comes down to this, I need to grow the fuck up, and ''enjoy the ride''.

Corey doesn't realise how much he's helping me. Every day gets better. There's still episodes of doubt, and depression, and I spill my dignity about from time to time.

This cannot become a lifestyle. I need to over haul my way of thinking before I start losing everyone I love around me.

I don't know where my life is going, I don't know how long this ''luck'' of mine will last, bu I suppose I better make the most of it while it's here.

I'll take advantage of my resources, focus on my long term goals. Avoid bad situations, and toxic people.

Follow my heart, and rekindle my skills, recollect, reanalyse this whole damn scenario.

It can go either way. I can try, or I can give up and fail anyway.

I always used to say ''You never know until you try''

Can't give up now, I've come too far.

Plus, there's people way worse off than me. Don't be selfish Sabrina.

Don't act dumb, because you're not. You know what's going on, don't let it escape your control, get it sorted out now, or regret it forever.

Know who you are, distinguish between wants and needs, you can't go wrong if you work with people trying to help you. Just be careful who you chose to trust.

Read more. Learn new things everyday. Listen to music. Walk, get some fresh air. Laugh if it's funny. Smile more. Challenge yourself. Care about other people, not what they think of you. Despite what they think, aid people less off than yourself.

Dance with your friends, sing without an audience, write it off and wake up the next day with ambition. 

Do not panic or give yourself unnecessary grief about the sort of person you are. You are what you are, but you can improve it.

You like what you like, and if you don't like something, too bad.

March on. 

Coffee, candles, flowers, animals, funny bits of television, feel good tracks, artistic films, long walks, the seaside, documentaries, how shit is made, how people made it happen, memories, plans, experience you can learn from, theories, trying something new and finding out it didn't work for you is not a waste of time. Time is a concept. There's not enough hours in the day as we know so why spend them worrying?

I know it all now, I need to apply it to myself. Convince yourself you are good enough, you never weren't enough for anything. 

You can do what ever you like, be who you want to be. Actions speak louder than words. 

I always say I wish I could turn back time I do that day again but it is gone. No regrets now, just concentrate on making tomorrow a brighter day.

If you show love, compassion, patience, kindness, be a good listener, and a strong person on the inside, the outside world reflects it back on you.

There is no such thing as luck. Though I stand by that everything happens for a reason, so don't pass on those chances to do something more with your life. To be better, to do better; It will help you feel better.

There is only so much other people can say and do. Now it's all up to you.

02.25am

It's like I keep predicting the future, then have a bout of amnesia and go ahead and throw the towel in anyway! To be a writer, or a fighter?

What is Television?

I finally got freeview. Woo.

I have missed the drama and the small selection of comedy I manage to endeavour myself to entertain.
I don't really fancy going into the details of the past weekend. The past is in the past now, after all. Although there have been some unnerving moments, riddled with penitence, I cannot do every thing I want at once.
Yet I have mentioned before, that one theory I have is that, despite these constraints of time, illusionary as it may be, perhaps every thing is, in fact happening all the time, in one blink of an eye.

I visited Leicester and it was great. Lots to see and do. I figured out so much about myself already. I think I was born to be some kind of performer, writer, a crazy character; a social butterfly, if you may, to touch and console with the hearts of many different backgrounds. I myself could be ridiculed in future, for choosing an alternative path. I want to be a nomad. I want to escape the slavery. I want to be a free spirit.

Sometimes I just want to drop everything, leave all my material possessions behind, and live off faith and hope. Mad idea, why make oneself homeless for the sake of adventure? Why, because if life was a straight road to nowhere, may as well kill ya self now bud. I tell thyself.

Gotta make wrong turnings, act spontaneously, ask for help when you need it, find the courage to speak to strangers, pray for positive things to happen! Love is timeless.

I'm losing my swing. I can't account the fables of the last few days to you right now, I need to screw my head back on. Only God can judge me.