The Night I Decided To Change My Life

I found this on my PC from around this time last year. Oh Boy...

01.55am

03/05/2013

I haven't written for a long time.

I have everything I wanted.

My own place, amazing boyfriend, family support, near enough a full time job. Night out, nights in. Drugs, sex, music. 

Opportunity, hope, help, friends, chances and chances and chances, I keep destroying in the palms of my hands.

A gift, to write, to sing, to explore, I'm surviving fine.

I don't believe in luck anymore. I don't believe in God.

I don't know what happens when you die, but nobody really does. It's called Faith.

I don't think destiny exists anymore either. My life is in the control of myself, and no one else.

The problem I face, is the fact that I couldn't see how fortunate I truly am. Until I met Corey.

Corey helped me realise how much I have going for me, and the issue is, I have some seriously deep mental scarring from past relationships, and I beat myself up for all the mistakes I've made, the person I was or to become, therefore I'm never really living in the now.

Thus, I cannot enjoy today to it's full potential. So what's the point in living? 

If you can't appreciate what you've got, when you've got more than the majority of the population of the world... well then, I must suck in general.

Am I so blind? So stupid, to waste it all with procrastination, endless nights of getting fucked, feeling down about little things that wouldn't even cross another's mind, whilst they're scared shitless about whether or not they'll eat tonight, have a place to sleep... will they be alright?

I know what I like, and dislike. I've only started being honest with myself of late, maybe it wasn't soon enough.

I'm in limbo. I can see the end and there's two paths, one is a happy route, the other is a sharp decent into insanity. It's my choice.

I possess the power to change this all around. It all comes down to this, I need to grow the fuck up, and ''enjoy the ride''.

Corey doesn't realise how much he's helping me. Every day gets better. There's still episodes of doubt, and depression, and I spill my dignity about from time to time.

This cannot become a lifestyle. I need to over haul my way of thinking before I start losing everyone I love around me.

I don't know where my life is going, I don't know how long this ''luck'' of mine will last, bu I suppose I better make the most of it while it's here.

I'll take advantage of my resources, focus on my long term goals. Avoid bad situations, and toxic people.

Follow my heart, and rekindle my skills, recollect, reanalyse this whole damn scenario.

It can go either way. I can try, or I can give up and fail anyway.

I always used to say ''You never know until you try''

Can't give up now, I've come too far.

Plus, there's people way worse off than me. Don't be selfish Sabrina.

Don't act dumb, because you're not. You know what's going on, don't let it escape your control, get it sorted out now, or regret it forever.

Know who you are, distinguish between wants and needs, you can't go wrong if you work with people trying to help you. Just be careful who you chose to trust.

Read more. Learn new things everyday. Listen to music. Walk, get some fresh air. Laugh if it's funny. Smile more. Challenge yourself. Care about other people, not what they think of you. Despite what they think, aid people less off than yourself.

Dance with your friends, sing without an audience, write it off and wake up the next day with ambition. 

Do not panic or give yourself unnecessary grief about the sort of person you are. You are what you are, but you can improve it.

You like what you like, and if you don't like something, too bad.

March on. 

Coffee, candles, flowers, animals, funny bits of television, feel good tracks, artistic films, long walks, the seaside, documentaries, how shit is made, how people made it happen, memories, plans, experience you can learn from, theories, trying something new and finding out it didn't work for you is not a waste of time. Time is a concept. There's not enough hours in the day as we know so why spend them worrying?

I know it all now, I need to apply it to myself. Convince yourself you are good enough, you never weren't enough for anything. 

You can do what ever you like, be who you want to be. Actions speak louder than words. 

I always say I wish I could turn back time I do that day again but it is gone. No regrets now, just concentrate on making tomorrow a brighter day.

If you show love, compassion, patience, kindness, be a good listener, and a strong person on the inside, the outside world reflects it back on you.

There is no such thing as luck. Though I stand by that everything happens for a reason, so don't pass on those chances to do something more with your life. To be better, to do better; It will help you feel better.

There is only so much other people can say and do. Now it's all up to you.

02.25am

It's like I keep predicting the future, then have a bout of amnesia and go ahead and throw the towel in anyway! To be a writer, or a fighter?