Just One Big Pagan Day Out

I went to London and had the worst day of my life.

It began badly and ended up unimaginably worse.

I lost my coach ticket, and had a hurried conversation with the operator in hope of recovering my pass out of here. In plenty of time I arrived at the station and hopped on to a bus.

I wondered how far my soul mates would travel with me, I've been trying to get rid of them and recover my old self. The liberated one from Feb '14. But she has been torn and haunted and ridiculed by ex-lovers and false friendships. Over the last year, I began to 'wake up' and realise that every one, including my self, is just full of shit. Every one on this planet is surviving, the pressures including responsibility and enslavement through money. I can barely take care of myself. I think I might hide in my room from now on, as much as possible. The house is ok, it's warm, it's safe, I can't really ask for much more than that. Just sometimes, wish I'd never left my ex. I'm still really attached to past relationships. I'm so broken and upset about every thing, I'd self diagnose with PTSD of some degree.

When I arrived in London, I had no plans at all. I marginally wished that I had a companion to go with, or that I would conveniently bump into someone to commute around with. Then I decided I would await friendship and let my soul guide me. Some sort of soul searching was on the agenda. I think in retrospective, I allowed this to over-dictate my day in London. I was deeply moved by passer-by's, the vacant stares of a city that has drained their energy and consumed their lives. I felt sapped by the polluted air and headed straight for Hyde Park down Buckingham Palace road (which by the way, I failed to visit) It is impossible to do all of the sights of our Capital in one day; I think for a real hearty experience of London, is to stay for a week, plan everything you want to do and stick to an organised schedule - and revise those metro lines you're going to need! It's fast, affordable but the pace is immense, you won't be prepared for this so it' important to practice some deep breathing and meditative techniques before battle the London crowd!

I walked down the River Serpentine which is very relaxing and spacious, I snapped a bird or two, the morning sky with it's numerous plane trails cascading across in symmetry; I even took my shoes off at one point to, 'ground all that negative energy' - that's a film quote from the 'Wizard Dentist' in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People featuring Simon Pegg. I continued over a rather desolate looking part of Hyde Park (Nikes on my feet and flowered maxi, I was taking in my stride) London 10am is mostly people running late to the office, new mums with babe in tow, and fitness junkies doing ridiculous power walks waving their arses up in the air; beautiful!

As I was blasting out RHCPs By The Way album (for old times sakes) and I found some lovely little loos in the park so I thought I'd be nosey and check out one of the richest places in the worlds public lavatories, and I was far from unimpressed. Suddenly, I paused from simply floating, "I Could Die For You" was humming to myself, and since my suicidal thinking of recent times, found myself, that teary, sweaty, lonely mess, encapsulated in a foreign mirror and as I conjoined my self over the sink, in a holy matrimony, alone, I realised despite being connected via air waves and radio frequencies, inevitably, the internet has stolen a traditional fashion of meeting people but that we have become so engrossed in our technologies they are taking over the human being. I think that's so another entry at a later date though. It's as if people can't be physically bothered to be in each other's company any more. I think it's disgraceful. Can't beat them, join them, I'm existing as I write this, behind a computer screen.

I wandered the earth of this great park. Nothing makes me feel better than being around nature. I was wondering what I want from life, I came to many epiphanies and rough conclusions, not all linear and straight forward but certainly a rough idea of who I may wish to become. I would like to test myself, as nothing worth having is easy to obtain, therefore, I'd like to hold some power in society in order to allow proper justice and equality to sweep the nation. I hate seeing homeless people. There's many beautiful churches and cathedrals in London which I would have liked to go in, but in my condition at the moment I am hesitant as I do not want to tamper with my damaged spirit. This became more apparent as I walked and walked and walked and walked and walked.

I found a small art gallery which was lovely and really cool! It's The Sackler Gallery, it's free admission but I left a donation still, I was really impressed! A few friends came to mind as I was engulfed in fascination by the pieces, including those that played with visible light, sketches of faces, a little chara-couturesque, and slightly political, there was even a room with punch bags in them that posed as people in certain professions such as Doctor, Judge, Intellectual etc. Weird but though provoking, I enjoyed it a lot.

There are hundreds of dog owners over London and the pooches were incredibly cute! I'm sure there's many dog shows in London if I cared to investigate. I approached the Italian Fountains, and admired how the sun reflected over the pools of water. I walked down a quiet path and captured a pair of squirrels. It's as if every thing I witnessed, came in pairs, the business man married his job, the woman on a jog marries her body, and woman pushing her baby in the pram sustains a sacred bond with her offspring forever as she strolls proudly through the park on a beautiful day. I was rather broody too.

I toyed with the idea of hanging around Kensington for a bit only to realise that time was against me, I had no Oyster card as that is the system which commuters adhere by. I stopped a traveller bloke, sitting on his favourite bench on High Street, we talked about why he was there, where he'd come from and ironically was also brought up in Nottingham. We discussed soul missions, a little about God and angels and I offered him a coffee and said our best wishes and farewell. I continued up High Street which felt like forever, and uncomfortable, surrounded by the capital of Capitalism.

All the designer shops shouted and coaxed me "come in and dream" but protested from the bottom of my heart, I must go forward and not get distracted. Besides, London will be there for me again, if I chose to return! I was so tempted to go to Odeon but I think it's just because I miss my ex. Also, it was as if every road was tainted "masonry!" But as long as they're constructing safely and under certain regulations then who's to naysay hmm.

Creationism is hard! These priceless artworks, the infrastructure we rely on, the businesses we go to for services and treatments we cherish, London is not lacking anything you require, only solitude is next to impossible. I jumped on the train and hunted for Camden Market. My step-mother suggested it, and I felt right at home. I didn't feel like buying anything, except a book called Anatomy of Spirit and an album by The Aliens. I think I would go back to Camdem to do clothes shopping, it's really that cool! Indie mixture of VINTAGE, Goth, steam-punk, magic and tons of religious imagery, therefore the most diverse place in terms of culture I've ever heard about. I had been genuinely over whelmed and exhausted by the scene. I stopped for a tea break. I felt lost, I was contemplating getting my tattoo done down there. I donated for Terra Slim's EP. The cover of the CD is questionable, if not slightly laughable. I knocked around this joint for ages, absorbed by the people, the paintings, crafts and hot food smells. I felt sick, I felt like Karl Pilkington, I was on another planet.

I saw a psychic, being psychic myself, (self acclaimed, needs work) Potentially, could be address some big issues with all this energy, I don't know where to steer it! She suggested I see a Shaman, but it was getting late and I had an awful Migraine, one of which I have not had for a couple of years, this was a really bad one, I actually bought some sunglasses (I think my sister has some similar ones from Camden too) there are so many nice trinkets, gifts and quirky clothes stalls in Camden I think I left part of my soul there too. I sort of wanted to leave all this behind, get a job on one of the shops, and find some digs in the surrounding areas, hell even sleep on a park or under some roof, shelter etc.

It grew dark and cold quickly, I went to Trafalgar Square but by this stage I was feeling to ill to enjoy any thing any more, and I just wanted to find my way home. I listened to some street performers around sat around some fountain with horses on it and posed in meditation for the streets of Haymarket. I might go back and be a busker or some crazy street attraction, make my self in to a piece of art. Unless my brain starts working and the spirits stop distracting me, they are literally doing my head in. They're quite an unwanted distraction, I couldn't even look in Holland and Barrett as the lights were blinding my eyes! (That's a Streets joke if you didn't catch on)

Last time I felt this ill, soulless and scared was when I was on a boat in the middle of Norfolk.
I tried to come around from it all, ended up in Café Nero throwing up, begging to be with my sister, reminiscing all the folks I've connected with over coffee (I am coffee snob) gasping for water like a fish, unfortunately I had to abandon plans with my friend, my phone ran out of battery, I battled through the Underground, lost in a labyrinth, and a charging intermittent current of commuters. I was confused and felt pushed to keep moving, it was a very stressful day. I could not live there on military time, I'd have to create my own schedule.

Like I'd through some sort of War, I rode on my spirit an demanded freedom, reluctantly paid £60 (I will discuss the travel industry another time) and raced onto the train seconds before it pulled out of the station. I collapsed on the floor and begged for sleep to relieve me of the environment I detested.  didn't even know if I'd got on the correct train! Drifting in and out of sleep, I was stirred by a kind member of the train staff (I'm not knocking them, just the industry) I sort of dislike the corporations but hypocritically I absolve them.

Taxi home craving my bed, home is certainly where the heart is.

More on London, fashion, healthcare and spirituality another time.

I need hair conditioner.

Is there anyone out there?

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I happened to ingest too much fluoride tonight.

I am really struggling to communicate right now, because I know I might be in a lot of trouble.
I can't eat or sleep again, just like before Christmas, because I didn't trust my instincts, or my own capabilities. I am actually frightened that God will with hold the gifts I had in my life; my loved ones.

Music, religion and the weather pretty much sum me up. It was a beautiful day, and I am truly blessed to have felt and enjoyed true love. I don't care if I don't make it as a huge star in this world. The people around me shine brightly like candles in the night. I am remaining hopeful, if I can help my self then may be I can continue to help others on their journey again aswell, I need to stop being selfish and learn from my mistakes.

I feel about 14 again. I said I wanted to go back to when I was happy, but every thing made more sense only a few hours ago, and I couldn't cope with the emotions and once again I have numbed myself with drugs. This is the last thing I wanted to happen. I have fucked up so badly and I am terrified there is no way back.

There are billions of people in the world and I had been considering them and what I can do to help the planet. I still have my inner child ruling like in Disney World and every thing appears to be normal but I am fully aware of the situations around me. Now I am sober, it is as if I had never smoke weed, which I am terribly regretting and I never want to forget the way I can think. So deep and meaningful, losing the sense of myself again and discovering other people's paths and ways of life.

I know there's life out there, I know there is hope, I know there is other intelligent life, and all I had hoped for was to teach, learn, respect, encourage, dream up some amazing ideas and execute them into action into our amazing world. It is the sad truth that our home is run by money playing as God, as in bribery and in all trade. A human life is priceless, you cannot measure the value of a soul. They have no choice where they are born?

It is important to make concious decisions about every thing we do. I irrationally OD'ed on fluoride toothpaste tonight, now as I say to myself, it's back to the drawing board.

Einstein said, it is survival of the fittest, most intelligent and most adaptable to change.
I have probably said it here before on my blog.

If I had had more faith and trust in my heart I wouldn't be in this fucked up situation.
I don't know if I should have relied on the state like some people I know, or had more empathy, I think the latter sounds better.

I keep travelling backwards and forwards through a time dimension, I want to grow up and follow the right path. I need to make my own decisions and pray that these actions after effects have the positivity flow in good directions. The pain of this drug is that it has caused me to go back wards instead of forwards.

As much as I respect my parents I do not want to end up like them, therefore I need to pay attention to the spirit guides and aid my self in as many ways as possible with out hurting or using any one to get where I want.

Can't Communicate

It's very frightening. I'm surrounded by strangers. The only person I remotely trust who isn't family is non other than someone I thought I didn't need in my life. Only now, it is much clearer that it may be a good time to accept what is done and practice free love, in hope that the loyalty and integrity is mutual.

I hate it when I get PMS. I hate being a girl and I hate the feeling I am a guy trapped in a female body. I would never consider changing my gender, I believe that despite this, I was made this way for a reason, in Gods image, and therefore should appreciate everything that was given to me. A working body, most the time with little aches or pains, and a brain of my own, where I can think about things carefully and process the wonders of the world.

On other articles there is a debate running that love doesn't exist. I believe that love is everything, and every one is God in manifestation. I would like to live a peaceful life and thank every one for being a part of it. With out them, I wouldn't be where I am today, despite all the drugs, the ups and downs, it doesn't take that to acknowledge that deep down, we're all the same, looking for an escape from this poor excuse for reality.

In my dreams, and deepest meditations, or closest scrapes with death (if that even makes sense) it is as if I am being called back to Earth, since my duties are not complete here yet. I am sure that there is something in the future which will do something good, to make life a nicer place, for people less fortunate than myself.

Currently, the rain is hammering down and it causing a roar, rolling against the ceiling, of the loft extension, which is my bedroom. I am very lucky to have landed here when I did, since I needed some where pronto. The dream is to move away, leave this City... I have been here my whole life, and there is infinite things to learn and discover in life. I really hope that in the next few days, I make the right choices, which will take me to my perfect destiny. I will not try to control things too much, because when I do it never turns out right, - or perhaps it is all the way things should be, I just cannot see it yet? I have come to some decisions about how to conduct myself. The drinking needs to cease, as I can't focus. My sleeping pattern is off the wall, and my ability to compose any thing during working hours is a dismal.

I may be applying for University tomorrow. If I do it may be life changing.
I may be going away in the summer for a few months.

I just wanted to write these down, as a reminder of the emotions I was facing the last two nights, I have cried and cried like a baby and now I just want to grow up and be able to operate soundly because I was driving myself insane thinking, oh I am so unworthy of any thing, why do I have all this opportunity, and some have no chances to defend themselves?

Women in foreign countries who have no right to education because of their oppressing and degrading governments. The derogatory generation, a vision warped by media, no longer have their own minds. Innocent families being driven out of their homes by war and poverty. Refugees darting into the darkness, away from the madness of a minority of crazed extremists with toxic arms.

And of course, the legless man with his guitar he can barely hold a chord together, but he carries on trying.

It can't rain all the time.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

I will just have to relish myself in my pastimes and trust in life and the experiences it has to offer.

The Almighty

This is a blank draft I have recovered from 16/12/2014
Before the breakdown; the title glares at me.

This was prior to being Sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

Musical Chairs

I love everything, which is bad for me. Whether it be in the form of men, 'friends', food, lifestyle choices and of course media. Media is my current course of study, I did not realise I would be nearly graduating already and having vacated the party scene. The events of last year are bleeding into the beginning of this one, and therefore, I need to cautiously select the highlights of it to fit smoothly into the year ahead. For the greater good. If I am exposing positivity outwards then the world around me may be a brighter place.

I have been reading a book called "The Game Of Life" by a meta-physician, she demonstrates considerately, with bible references to complete the ways in which we should live by in order to be happy and successful, with out bringing harm or unrighteousness to another part of life. It explains about human emotion, desire and balance in God's Law. It basically explains how you should think to get what you want in life, with fair justification.

It has made me realise I have been such a jerk to a lot of acquaintances in my life and unfortunately my mind is quite insensitive recently, I think it's because of the lack of nice weather, haha.

Whenever I attempt to make amends I end up further shaming myself, that has to change!

If I quit pot then I can quit drinking too. I have been sober before, only until I relapse due to not feeling capable of monitoring and managing my unsteadiness. I will have to update here regularly and hopefully my progress will be evident by the quality of my writing.

Closet Alcoholics

"Life is a party"

I'm supposed to be writing assignments. I'm just a bit pissed off because my left speaker on my sound system has just fucked up on meh. Urgh.

She's fucking wired mate.
Who the fuck reads this shit? Plus, how am I supposed to explain what's really going on?

I say she, as in, third person because, perhaps, it will easier to identify the issues that are occurring. I have become extremely estranged. Simply because I decided to lose the sense of self due to being a targeted individual. (TI 101 - google it)

I am not alone in this psychic battle.
Here in the western world it is beautiful and 'peaceful' yet in the minds of thousands are personal struggles indoctrinated by religion, media and elite mind controlling dictators.

I have had the pleasure of meeting many interesting, intelligent and influential people. If I could think straight again it might be easier to put into words the adventure I have pursued. It began on the 12th of December 2014. I was supposed to be meeting my friend for his birthday and got nervous so decided to finish off the Vodka.

I was drinking Jamican Lager Beer alone on a Friday night a week later I think... I called me ex and one of his girlfriends answered. I broke down and decided to cut myself. My other ex who is absolutely mental aswell, came around and had his wicked way. I believe this all happened in one night. I couldn't sleep as I wanted to "WAKE UP" to the ugly truths of life. I stopped brushing my teeth and endured yet another episode of insomnia. 48 hours later, I ran to catholic mass, in my sweet little pagan outfit. I insisted on having my birth control stopped as I do not wish the desire to 'play God' any longer, calling the NHS 101 and hoping to see some medical professional on a, you guessed it, a Sunday. Not happening.

So I goes on my merry way, a difficult decision to see my oldest best friend in town for coffee. We went to the craft fair; I was contemplating beginning my own trade in jewellery and hand made gifts myself only the night before. It is as if all my thoughts become reality. The stories I have written are hard truths and it is almost as if I have been fucked with and controlled since my pointless birth. I may have caused some grief so I want to walk alone, a lone wolf. My pack have dispersed.

I called my Father because I was shown enlightenment. My computer is being controlled by a perverted mind controlling stalker. It might be a group of hacktivists - hence the group title.

I don't know every thing, but I was doing intense reading about soul ages, the 7 deadly sins, redemption, and of course an intelligent designer. I believe I met God. If God is the light, and I saw the light, and then I felt guilt and regret because of my previous sins, well, I was granting suicide. So my Father took me away and I spent Christmas and New Year in psychiatric hospital. It is suspected underling schizophrenia. I know that it is propaganda and WAR.

I am not crazy. We all need something to help us through. We are all deserving of companionship. There is a lot more that I did not know before that has been revealed to me. I can only assume that every one around me knows the same things I do, or more than myself. This makes it hard to communicate.

They might be trying to kill me. But someone gives a fuck so know that if you're reading this we're not all bad and we do care!