A Beautiful Melancholy Life

I don't even know what's going on half the time. I don't trust anybody, their intentions, their actions, their words. Every thing I see I'm viewing from my card board box. I got stoned last night for the first time in a long time and I'm actually alright about it. However, I did feel like I had been vacant from my body for a while, and the whole world collapsed on me, a sensation like falling in a dream. Like dying and going back to that metaphoric, ''hell''. Although, I wasn't too scared, just uncomfortable. Embarrassed really. Who on earth would want to spend time with a person like me? Further more who the fuck would bother reading this ridiculously pointless blog, that has nothing to do with philosophy or quantum physics or reverberating ideas that will change the world. No.

I am a grain of sand, I am the atoms of the air in the palm of your hand, I am the blueness of the sky, I am that floater in your eye.

We are born of nothing, we die with nothing, and every thing in between means nothing, unless we make it so. In our own heads, our experiences influence who we are, and every second we are being enlightened. Sometimes we take drugs, or take a leap of faith, or make a decision that changes everything, and we had no idea that it would be so, detrimental. 

I am so muddled in my mind right now, I'm trying to compile my portfolio before the end of the semester, slight panic mode sinking in now, I've come to realise I had more work to do than at the start, but that's just the way it is for us all!

What influenced me the most to write this script about healthy life styles is because of the vast amount of people I see passing me by down the streets of my home town day in day out, smoking cigarettes, stressing out, rushing about, work, education, family, friends, hobbies, and all occurring at once can become quite problematic. We forget to take care of ourselves from the inside, through relaxation, wholesome nutritious meals, a casual walk for fresh air and a stretch of those tired limbs. Every body seems to be wrapping themselves up with debts, self created problems, emotions taking over routine and sanctuary of the mind... and so, when it comes to the weekend, it's let your hair down, go wild and spend all your pay cheque, because hey, money isn't just supposed to sit in your bank account right? I digress. It is so important that as a generation of the new age, we impose as a good example on our youngsters. It has been heard that children as young as 12 are getting hold of these electronic cigarettes as to some how impress their school friends, and appear to be cool or mature. Alcohol abuse is still a massive problem in all areas of Europe, and the student life style involves pressures from acquaintances.........

Anyway. My blog posts are getting duller and duller, I know I know...
I just think I may be having some sort of writers block. I don't have the capacity to articulate my thoughts well enough in writing at this current time in my life. 

I hear this little voice inside of me, "Are you starting to get it a bit more now, Sabrina?"
I said yeah, I know, I know...

Accentuating My Eccentricity

Welcome to my world.

Last last week has been a blast. A bizarre concoction of mood fluctuations, volatile situations and an uncertain notation. Every time I visit my family it's like going on holiday. An abdication of my responsibilities at home, and an opportunity to regale myself; happiness in a childhood sense. I once read,

Be happy like a child. Why? Because children are happy for no reason. If you are happy in this way, nobody and nothing can take your happiness away.

Furthermore,

Do not spend your whole life chasing happiness, it will seem to evade you. Rather, get on with your life, and happiness will float around you like a fluttering butterfly.

Another thing to add,

Happiness is (arguably) a way of life. We all have our ups and downs. Our own dreams, desires and aspirations. So, those who say they are trying to 'reach Enlightenment' are fooled by this notion, as Enlightenment is a constant revelation. Every breath you take, every thought you have, every action you make, you are creating your own reality. Your destiny.

I have to eat my baguette whilst it's warm. Stay tuned.

Temperamental

Aloha.

How do I account the events of the Easter Weekend with some eloquence.
I didn't sleep for 4 nights, no food inside me, I could not even sneeze, I was starting to and believe I had died and passed into the dream world, aka living hell. Insomnia is a bitch. I feel genuine sympathy for people who can by no means achieve their beauty sleep. The things I had been whittling my brains out about are of no avail after all. I ended up hallucinating convinced everything I owned including my body was tainted with filth and must be eradicated. It all began when I threw my duvet out of the window. I wasn't sure if I had thrown myself out of the window with it or not, and I was merely a ghost, perching on the window ledge, searching for a sign. The lights through my blinds danced upon the white ceiling in a translucent mirage of past companions. The sadness swelled inside me like a balloon and seeped behind the grey burnt out lenses I had witness the transformation from.

The amber turned to blue, a calm, finalising symphony of vision, and I concluded with myself that yes evil exists within me and with it, I have jinxed my path from the first sin of the heart. Something about a boy, for some context. Hope is always an option.

When my family collected me, I felt the darkness as real as typical daytime, with it's vampires stalking the night. Their pale faces desperate for a warm touch, I was glazed over with remorse, fear and guilt. How could I end up like this? A constant self sabotaging of my creative counter part. I have to force out all the oppression whilst it's still fairly fresh in my mind. In the mind, is where it grew, and it became an inevitable part of me. I would not wish this on anybody. So I'm laying on the mattress, and I think I am a cat. I have not lived as spiritual being and therefore, I will be a cat again. All this time I've been saying, "don't look back! You're not going that way!" all optimistic and motivated and the like.

I could not sleep still. I was holding conversations with my friends on a different astral plane or something. Every time I closed my eyes I was not asleep, yet not awake with the rest of the living world. This is not the sort of experience you can purchase with the current system. Unless one day they're going to come clean about not only hacking our technology but our minds too. Some would argue that drugs have the same or similar affect but I wouldn't count on it.

Some people never go crazy, what horrible lives they must lead - Charles Bukowski

Well this was it, I was never going to be able to see my old friends again. The ones I truly connected with were part of a past life I had now travelled beyond and could never return to. That following morning, another one of my premonitions came to life. A pilgrimage. After crossing the golden bridges, of wisdom, knowledge of ancient religion and a paradigm shift, I found myself to be retracing my steps. I didn't understand it at first, then it hit me like a slow poison. I was going back wards, to where I came from. This 8 mile walk across rapeseed fields was a lesson for my soul. I had almost lost it, and had to be reminded of where I came from, and the essence of what I am.

I got ready for work that evening, only to be enchanted by the detachment I endured that was relishing with in for a decade. These strangers meant nothing and I meant nothing to these strangers, like I was invisible, dead or alive, it didn't matter. Patience wore thin, I returned to the car with the kit and packed it in. I tried to grab a cab but the driver brushed me off like pestering fly. Why could I not engage with any one? Did I exist at all? Was this really what living hell was like in the underworld? Trapped in my home town for eternity? I had to get out, even if it knocked me out further down the rabbit hole. I ended up getting detained in the city centre. Apparently it was orchestrated quite well, with a whole team of 'concerned' looking professionals, whilst two blokes stood outside the van with a bloody eye and chest pains. Fucking hell.

I exclaimed, "Let me go! These guys need your help, who is going to take care of them?"
After a few physical checks, I left my heart in the city, it's booming music in time with my pulse. I was really panicking now, "Will I ever get out? Will I ever be set free?" It was like prison.
I couldn't trust my aid, I was sceptical of their intentions, like I was a glitch in the game. An anomaly to be contained and controlled. Who knows what they put in me, as I gradually exacerbated myself with dread, I passed away...

We all go a little mad sometimes - Psycho

When I got out I stayed with my blood line. I am so lucky to have them in my life.

Music, film and old friends get me through. A precious few.

Writing of course is a good outlet, however. I hope these ramblings help someone else out there know that they aren't alone with the psychosis. A nurse came this morning and brought me these pills. It's called early intervention. 

They want to silence the voices in my head. I miss them already.

Screws, this was all supposed to be just so.
http://www.abctales.com/story/sabzwin/my-neurosis

Eternity

Happy Easter.

I ditched reading the novel as it was merely fueling my current emotions of apathy and withdrawal. Then I realized I'm just fine with myself, upon getting a homeless man a McDonald's and having a little discussion about the events of his life. I felt as if I was losing my soul with every bad thought and unnecessary self conscious decision or judgement I was making about the world around me. I ended up under section 136. Almost totally ruining my whole future.

I'll try to make this as linear as possible. I have had a life experience. One which I fear has permanently changed my personality and outlook forever. I decided to try some anti depressants prescribed by my doctor, only to have the worst time in my short waking life. All the suppressed feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, and disappointment burst out of me in a tense, unstable and over whelming mixture of all the emotions I had sponged up over the last year. I was the living dead. I had not slept in 4 nights straight, I didn't even want a cigarette I was so nervous, conscious of my own regrets, remorse hanging on me like a curse, and I truly believed I had died, gone to hell and passed over to the under world. That God was angry at me for not repenting and asking for forgiveness for my sins.

Since trying the drugs, I can't go back. Once you've changed perspectives, there's no way of going back. I had entered adulthood, the place in which you can no longer pretend you are able to be naive, stay ignorant and be flippant to those around you, for all of life is One. What is injected into society, is what is served back to you, through karma, an indefinite system, out of our control. Sure you will pay your debts too, I guarantee.

One night, I saw the invisible light, the colours of the world usually hidden to the naked eye, only under a hallucination would it be possible to spectate the shadows join together on a mutual plane. I felt like I fell from heaven and into a damp, numb, and less spectacular version of the universe. I did not appreciate my old life enough to know where I was going wrong, for now I see my own wickedness and how it has affected events of the future.

This is the time of the year for changes in the seasons, changes of perspective, changes in time. We only have one life in the circumstances you are given, do not waste it, and try to bend reality in your favour, not through manipulation and deception, but pure love and good will. That is the first part of what I have learned this week, that our actions and thoughts last in history for eternity.

3 White Roses

Hey. I got three white roses given to me at the end of work tonight, like what the fuck? Traditionally this means virtue and pureness. I was handed 1 rose initially, and another gave me a further 2... No big deal, it doesn't mean anything anyway. So I've come home with three white roses and I don't know what to do with myself. I sulked for a little bit, considered pills, then messaged my friend, declaring how badly I wanted to show them the hidden gems of our home town. When you've lived away for a while, you can revisit and treat your city as if you were a tourist, and towards my degree, I decided to write about the best secret pubs and bars the city has to offer, which proves useful for future arrangements at least. Finally, I felt like writing another blog post. I am sick to death of men, stupid fake ass friends trying to take me for a twat, and the dodgy vibes I get from every employer, advert, homeless person and stranger in the street, just to name a few. 

So there was The Phoenix, that proved an irresponsible move by myself. As someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, gets jealous easily and probably rushes into things, it's no surprise I was to get hurt. Can't put all your eggs in one basket. The Phoenix is symbolic to changes, rebirth, the cycle of life. 

Following that is The Spider, an almost disappointment, dangling above my shoulder, because that is what is to be expected. You get what you expect, you get what you accept, famously quoted by my Dad's gf.

I have been so poorly this week. Stress is the number one cause of ill health. My wisdom tooth attempted to break through again, only to give me an infection, and I'm told I need part of my gum cut away now, eww. It's not even the pain I'm bothered about, it's just the idea of having a needle jabbed into my mouth I don't like, most things I can deal with as I don't even mind needles!

I'm far too uninspired and tired to even be here, what am I doing... As a young person, I'm figuring out what my ethics and beliefs are in this life, how I want to exist here, by what morals and which code of conduct. I feel more drawn to some paths than others and I have shared conversations with people about faith and explored various religions. One thing that has stuck around me a lot in recent years, is the art of transformation with the will of the Divine. I think that the power of healing and rising of new chances is possible through concious positive thought. People think I'm mad, but I have seen and felt this happen in my life before, and I intend to use it more from now to utilise the universe to my advantage, rather than wishing it away. I have been advised time and time again, that any thing can happen, and I just have to create my own reality.

As my past plagues me with sorrow, the future threatens me, and the present moment is constantly slipping away in a ghost like state. I need to find some thing I can trust to be effective, some thing permanent and in control. I always felt different to every one else, and especially disliked by 'normal' people. In fact scrap that maybe I'm the normal one and they're all some shells of what the devil might look like, I don't know. There are givers and takers in life and some have the right balance, if you are a giver you have to be careful not to let takers drain you for every thing you are other wise you will have nothing left to give, you know. And you have to let yourself take sometimes as well because you'll never survive. I'm going off topic again, sorry.

I am just hanging on the edge between ignorant confusion and losing it in rage, how does one cope with their own callous mind? Can any one be trusted, including the self? Because the mind lies to the soul and tells it what it feels, knows and what to want. I am desperately trying to stay in touch with the world, but it's losing itself to me as it reveals the ugly parts and I don't like it. I was wrapped in cotton wool and dropped in a needle pit. 

Depression

Hi All.

I recently read a post about 21 Habits Of Happy People from Googling Symtoms of Depression. I came across a blog written by a sufferer of the illness. They wrote their own version of the article, from the view point of someone who just can't be happy. I followed a chain of links from here to there, and decided to write down my calling on the subject.

My way of describing the illness, is a constant feeling of guilt, hopelessness and de-motivation. Like a persistent, annoying cough, a voice inside your head, telling you that you are not good enough for anything, and your self esteem reaching minus numbers. With this state of mind, you become susceptible to evil a hell of a lot more. You end up behaving recklessly, displacing your hurt onto others in your work and social life, not taking care of yourself, especially the basic human needs such as nutrition and hygiene. These elements have an effect of working you into the ground even more so. It's a downward spiral, a black abyss, a tunnel with no light in sight at the end. It's rain clouds with no rainbow, it's numb and matt in shade, with no variations except bumps in the road when you eventually find a way to take course. 

It is countlessly insinuated, with complete honesty, that depression is a massively misunderstood illness. It is appreciated when an outsider makes an effort to aid the person riding the waves, but with all due respect this person must seek the help of a professional. Even then, the battle continues, because there's no promise that one will be able to stick with their chosen method of therapy, whether it's medication, counselling, or other. 

It is imperative that the depressed person is kept in the loop of life. They need a routine, a circle of close trusted friends and family and access to resources to combat any issues refraining the person from recovery. I am not for a second suggesting a person ever totally recovers, I believe it is something that haunts you for the rest of your life, like an invisible scar. Although it is not unheard of that people do change for the better despite their difficulties, and it takes time. It is not as easy as some say, "Just be happy." That fuels my doubt in the capacity of others compassion and ignorance. There will be fall backs, you feel like you're climbing a ladder, but then it's shaken underneath and you slip and hit the concrete and sometimes too close to breaking your metaphorical neck, so you go into hiding, or hibernate. 

You want to sleep all the time.

You can't eat well, and then when you do it's always something with a lot of sugar. (There's a science behind that if you care to research.)

You want to see people but you fear what they'll think of you, because you're feeling so rough and out of shape, mentally, physically and spiritually. You cannot fathom why any one would want to spend their precious time on a "pessimistic, draining, ungrateful waste of space in society." Wah. I digress.

People are more concerned about material things than other people's problems, and I can understand why. It's hard to pull the web of perfume ads, fancy cars, smart phones, and lavish garments, away from the eyes of the western world because it in itself is a form of escapism that directs away from the reality of the human race. Plus it leaves little chance for that crucial window of emptiness, for a disclosure that this evil runs with in all of us. Just one imbalance of chemicals in your brain and your fucked forever-more. One taste of that poison and you know you're in trouble, and then you start to contemplate what every other fucker has going on in their life, and then you feel even worse about it.

I think it's Eve's fault. Why did she have to bite that bloody apple, you stupid bitch. Well we're not perfect beings, and I think we weren't supposed to be after all. It gave us a choice, and bi-polar aspects. If the road was straight and flat, boredom would kill us first. 

I think I've said enough for now, before I embarrass myself any further. Just food for thought right there. Thank you for the read.

Changing Perspectives

Bon soir.

So, further more from my last two posts, I'll begin to roll off some of the inner workings of my mind. It's just a string of stories and anecdotes, one after the other. In some scientific study, they claim people are more creative at night, hence why I am writing this right now. I haven't felt very comfortable writing the last few days, I appear to be lacking some passion and inspiration, though I thought I would give it a shot once more. One of my favourite mottos about perseverance, which stands true to this day, is that you can always try again tomorrow. One of the great beauties of life is, whether we take it for granted, respect or even acknowledge it, but the sun will rise tomorrow to share it's glory and continue the great cycle of life, guaranteed. New challenges, more surprises and expanding conciousness await us for serving. I can't really begin to explain explicitly, exactly what I am trying to get at in this post. You realise when you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up... Well I've said it before and I'll say it again. I can't accept that what we believe to be reality is all there really is to life. I feel as if the Universe, Time and Space are all co-existing creations of a Deity. Like a threefold law or something. That we are an organism, living within an organism, and co-habiting with other organisms, everything being perfectly bigger and smaller than we can imagine, to a naked eye or a human mind, plus it's intricate, and complex numerical, chemical and biological make-up etc.

That escalated quickly. Let's step back a second. So, I was walking into college lighting a cigarette. There's a stupid reason that I had began smoking roll ups again, which however, plays a significant part of this story. My e-cig I had for the last 2-3 months decided to not just pack in on me, but literally fall apart in my hands. I was a bit peed off because now I have to replace it and in the mean time I have reverted back to regular fags. Anyhow, so I have this ciggy and I'm charging to the college doors where not only I am late, but burden an aura of apathy. I pause as I'm hardly half way through my cig and I say, "waste not, want not" or something like that. I throw a casual, "Hi" and the two gents standing by the doors, also smokes in hand. Suddenly before I know it, we've dived into a deep and insightful conversation. Rather, these two lads are teaching me truths of life I can barely begin to fathom, and absorb into my tiny brain. I have familiar ground with these two strangers, by the way we are evidently studying in the same building, and so much more. The patterns of thought, the interests and faiths of my new acquaintances, spiral into deep conspiracies that we are both aware are difficult for the soft hearted to comprehend.

I believe 'God' set up this meeting for me. Syncronicity at it's finest, and really too obvious for even a non-spiritual person to ignore. Some would say coincidence. I have never thought at any time in my waking life, that anything happens by accident. If you've bothered to read down to here I won't need to explain it to you, what I think this is anyway. So I missed the studio rehearsal, and I spoke to one of the lads for a good hour and a half. At least, he told me things. Things that have crossed my mind before, things I have never dared delve into alone. Some would call us religious nuts, some would calls us insane, some would say we are naive and gullible, or may be I'm just the ignorant one, what ever.

The point is, I want to attempt to help accelerate the power of purity in the world, the light and the truth, for the evil doings of our government, bank owners and the secret weapons used against us 24/7. Whilst you dream, they block your brain waves. They indoctrinate and depict where you shop, what you eat, your life style, your anxieties, your health, your finances, every thing you can think of... they have strings attached.

Those truth seekers and teachers get assassinated, blackmailed, their reputation destroyed, and manipulated.

I may as well start trying to do something meaningful with my time here. If I can help spread ideas and get people thinking more about 'Life' then I will. Because I've come to the conclusion I'd rather fight than stay silent and obey.

I don't want to patronise, convert or disregard any one else's opinion, belief or feelings. Every person has a right to freedom, and every one has a right to education. I want be a teacher. A leader, perhaps. Whose one value and goal is not to puppeteer and degrade any other person. Only to spread Love. Also to expose any fishy business along the way and my outlook on the subject. I'm no dictator, I'm no academic. I was born and raised in a blessed place, surrounded by chaos(!)

I would like to accredit the following people, yet I shall never name names here on the Personal Life Project.

I.P of the day:

Reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, only half way through, real good thus far.