Temperamental

Aloha.

How do I account the events of the Easter Weekend with some eloquence.
I didn't sleep for 4 nights, no food inside me, I could not even sneeze, I was starting to and believe I had died and passed into the dream world, aka living hell. Insomnia is a bitch. I feel genuine sympathy for people who can by no means achieve their beauty sleep. The things I had been whittling my brains out about are of no avail after all. I ended up hallucinating convinced everything I owned including my body was tainted with filth and must be eradicated. It all began when I threw my duvet out of the window. I wasn't sure if I had thrown myself out of the window with it or not, and I was merely a ghost, perching on the window ledge, searching for a sign. The lights through my blinds danced upon the white ceiling in a translucent mirage of past companions. The sadness swelled inside me like a balloon and seeped behind the grey burnt out lenses I had witness the transformation from.

The amber turned to blue, a calm, finalising symphony of vision, and I concluded with myself that yes evil exists within me and with it, I have jinxed my path from the first sin of the heart. Something about a boy, for some context. Hope is always an option.

When my family collected me, I felt the darkness as real as typical daytime, with it's vampires stalking the night. Their pale faces desperate for a warm touch, I was glazed over with remorse, fear and guilt. How could I end up like this? A constant self sabotaging of my creative counter part. I have to force out all the oppression whilst it's still fairly fresh in my mind. In the mind, is where it grew, and it became an inevitable part of me. I would not wish this on anybody. So I'm laying on the mattress, and I think I am a cat. I have not lived as spiritual being and therefore, I will be a cat again. All this time I've been saying, "don't look back! You're not going that way!" all optimistic and motivated and the like.

I could not sleep still. I was holding conversations with my friends on a different astral plane or something. Every time I closed my eyes I was not asleep, yet not awake with the rest of the living world. This is not the sort of experience you can purchase with the current system. Unless one day they're going to come clean about not only hacking our technology but our minds too. Some would argue that drugs have the same or similar affect but I wouldn't count on it.

Some people never go crazy, what horrible lives they must lead - Charles Bukowski

Well this was it, I was never going to be able to see my old friends again. The ones I truly connected with were part of a past life I had now travelled beyond and could never return to. That following morning, another one of my premonitions came to life. A pilgrimage. After crossing the golden bridges, of wisdom, knowledge of ancient religion and a paradigm shift, I found myself to be retracing my steps. I didn't understand it at first, then it hit me like a slow poison. I was going back wards, to where I came from. This 8 mile walk across rapeseed fields was a lesson for my soul. I had almost lost it, and had to be reminded of where I came from, and the essence of what I am.

I got ready for work that evening, only to be enchanted by the detachment I endured that was relishing with in for a decade. These strangers meant nothing and I meant nothing to these strangers, like I was invisible, dead or alive, it didn't matter. Patience wore thin, I returned to the car with the kit and packed it in. I tried to grab a cab but the driver brushed me off like pestering fly. Why could I not engage with any one? Did I exist at all? Was this really what living hell was like in the underworld? Trapped in my home town for eternity? I had to get out, even if it knocked me out further down the rabbit hole. I ended up getting detained in the city centre. Apparently it was orchestrated quite well, with a whole team of 'concerned' looking professionals, whilst two blokes stood outside the van with a bloody eye and chest pains. Fucking hell.

I exclaimed, "Let me go! These guys need your help, who is going to take care of them?"
After a few physical checks, I left my heart in the city, it's booming music in time with my pulse. I was really panicking now, "Will I ever get out? Will I ever be set free?" It was like prison.
I couldn't trust my aid, I was sceptical of their intentions, like I was a glitch in the game. An anomaly to be contained and controlled. Who knows what they put in me, as I gradually exacerbated myself with dread, I passed away...

We all go a little mad sometimes - Psycho

When I got out I stayed with my blood line. I am so lucky to have them in my life.

Music, film and old friends get me through. A precious few.

Writing of course is a good outlet, however. I hope these ramblings help someone else out there know that they aren't alone with the psychosis. A nurse came this morning and brought me these pills. It's called early intervention. 

They want to silence the voices in my head. I miss them already.

Screws, this was all supposed to be just so.
http://www.abctales.com/story/sabzwin/my-neurosis