3 White Roses

Hey. I got three white roses given to me at the end of work tonight, like what the fuck? Traditionally this means virtue and pureness. I was handed 1 rose initially, and another gave me a further 2... No big deal, it doesn't mean anything anyway. So I've come home with three white roses and I don't know what to do with myself. I sulked for a little bit, considered pills, then messaged my friend, declaring how badly I wanted to show them the hidden gems of our home town. When you've lived away for a while, you can revisit and treat your city as if you were a tourist, and towards my degree, I decided to write about the best secret pubs and bars the city has to offer, which proves useful for future arrangements at least. Finally, I felt like writing another blog post. I am sick to death of men, stupid fake ass friends trying to take me for a twat, and the dodgy vibes I get from every employer, advert, homeless person and stranger in the street, just to name a few. 

So there was The Phoenix, that proved an irresponsible move by myself. As someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, gets jealous easily and probably rushes into things, it's no surprise I was to get hurt. Can't put all your eggs in one basket. The Phoenix is symbolic to changes, rebirth, the cycle of life. 

Following that is The Spider, an almost disappointment, dangling above my shoulder, because that is what is to be expected. You get what you expect, you get what you accept, famously quoted by my Dad's gf.

I have been so poorly this week. Stress is the number one cause of ill health. My wisdom tooth attempted to break through again, only to give me an infection, and I'm told I need part of my gum cut away now, eww. It's not even the pain I'm bothered about, it's just the idea of having a needle jabbed into my mouth I don't like, most things I can deal with as I don't even mind needles!

I'm far too uninspired and tired to even be here, what am I doing... As a young person, I'm figuring out what my ethics and beliefs are in this life, how I want to exist here, by what morals and which code of conduct. I feel more drawn to some paths than others and I have shared conversations with people about faith and explored various religions. One thing that has stuck around me a lot in recent years, is the art of transformation with the will of the Divine. I think that the power of healing and rising of new chances is possible through concious positive thought. People think I'm mad, but I have seen and felt this happen in my life before, and I intend to use it more from now to utilise the universe to my advantage, rather than wishing it away. I have been advised time and time again, that any thing can happen, and I just have to create my own reality.

As my past plagues me with sorrow, the future threatens me, and the present moment is constantly slipping away in a ghost like state. I need to find some thing I can trust to be effective, some thing permanent and in control. I always felt different to every one else, and especially disliked by 'normal' people. In fact scrap that maybe I'm the normal one and they're all some shells of what the devil might look like, I don't know. There are givers and takers in life and some have the right balance, if you are a giver you have to be careful not to let takers drain you for every thing you are other wise you will have nothing left to give, you know. And you have to let yourself take sometimes as well because you'll never survive. I'm going off topic again, sorry.

I am just hanging on the edge between ignorant confusion and losing it in rage, how does one cope with their own callous mind? Can any one be trusted, including the self? Because the mind lies to the soul and tells it what it feels, knows and what to want. I am desperately trying to stay in touch with the world, but it's losing itself to me as it reveals the ugly parts and I don't like it. I was wrapped in cotton wool and dropped in a needle pit.