Eternity

Happy Easter.

I ditched reading the novel as it was merely fueling my current emotions of apathy and withdrawal. Then I realized I'm just fine with myself, upon getting a homeless man a McDonald's and having a little discussion about the events of his life. I felt as if I was losing my soul with every bad thought and unnecessary self conscious decision or judgement I was making about the world around me. I ended up under section 136. Almost totally ruining my whole future.

I'll try to make this as linear as possible. I have had a life experience. One which I fear has permanently changed my personality and outlook forever. I decided to try some anti depressants prescribed by my doctor, only to have the worst time in my short waking life. All the suppressed feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, and disappointment burst out of me in a tense, unstable and over whelming mixture of all the emotions I had sponged up over the last year. I was the living dead. I had not slept in 4 nights straight, I didn't even want a cigarette I was so nervous, conscious of my own regrets, remorse hanging on me like a curse, and I truly believed I had died, gone to hell and passed over to the under world. That God was angry at me for not repenting and asking for forgiveness for my sins.

Since trying the drugs, I can't go back. Once you've changed perspectives, there's no way of going back. I had entered adulthood, the place in which you can no longer pretend you are able to be naive, stay ignorant and be flippant to those around you, for all of life is One. What is injected into society, is what is served back to you, through karma, an indefinite system, out of our control. Sure you will pay your debts too, I guarantee.

One night, I saw the invisible light, the colours of the world usually hidden to the naked eye, only under a hallucination would it be possible to spectate the shadows join together on a mutual plane. I felt like I fell from heaven and into a damp, numb, and less spectacular version of the universe. I did not appreciate my old life enough to know where I was going wrong, for now I see my own wickedness and how it has affected events of the future.

This is the time of the year for changes in the seasons, changes of perspective, changes in time. We only have one life in the circumstances you are given, do not waste it, and try to bend reality in your favour, not through manipulation and deception, but pure love and good will. That is the first part of what I have learned this week, that our actions and thoughts last in history for eternity.