Love

If two people want to be together, both parties will make that evident. If two people want are in love, they will seem inseparable, because their hearts are magnetised. If two individuals meet and there is instant chemistry, it is because there are energies and powers of attraction beyond our capacity to understand. We can surely feel something, usually intuitively, with out realising it at first glance. Take a few steps back, for a fuller view. You will see that there are different reasons why we chose the lovers and companions that we do. Each 'love' is unique in it's own right. There are never two loves the same. Even the love that the two people share. Feelings may be mutual, but the experience shared by both is unique to themselves. Only they can feel their love. That is why sometimes people find it hard to believe they are loved or could ever be, since they cannot feel it, only judge it's truth from the words and actions of the other. Perhaps the individual has never loved any one themself. May be they do not love themselves, as this is said to be the initial path to finding love. You must be comfortable in yourself and happy in your own life, before inviting some body else into it.

I say this because, although I am no expert, I consider myself to have encountered many beautiful, yet tragic, escapades in love.

It may not have always been 'true' love though. Not the unconditional love I feel towards family, or old friends, in the event that, God forbid, any thing happened to any of them, at the shot of a bullet, I'd be there. It doesn't matter about the past, no matter how trialling that partnership had been, or whether my relationships with family had frayed, if that person was fragile and needed my support, I'd be right there. Unconditional love is selfless, it is forgiving, it is kind, it is being happy for their happiness and their successes. If this particular 'love' makes you feel anxious, belittled, uneasy and foolish, then it is best to leave it to rest. Some relationships are like broken mirrors, it might be better to leave the pieces be than hurt yourself more trying to pick them up. There is also lust. In the beginning you think it is 'love at first sight' then with some weeks, months or sometimes years, the fire fizzles out, and strangely, you realise that the feelings you had towards that person were merely an illusion of sexual attraction. It is painful to discover, the time and emotions you invested into that person were based on superficial beliefs. With maturity and life experience, you begin to understand, what real love is about.

I was having a conversation with my friend over coffee this afternoon, and I told her about my recent revelation, that the concept of "The One" is sadly a commercial manipulation tactic. It warps peoples perspective of love, they hope that 'someone' is going to come into their lives and 'complete' them, when the reality is one needs to be whole in the first place, all the pieces are there to work with, it's just using those qualities to their full potential and efficiently to create a wonderful life to one day invite a special companion into. On the contrary, there are stories of people who stumble upon each other on their darkest days, however I would call this empathy rather than love, since it's simply a shared experience or situation that both can try to encourage each other to smile through... ? 

I digress. I hold close to the idea that there are numerous compatible people for us all over the world. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves first, apres ca, we can involve new lovers to learn and enjoy lifes journey together. In the mean time, nurture precious friendships, these people will most likely still be around after the rise and fall of your romantic relationship. The game of love is an unsteady one, it is not a bed of roses, a la the movies.

Trial and error. Know yourself before getting to know any one else. In the end, you only have you. You may be reading this now, alone, wondering when you're going to be happy, when you're going to end this solitude, when are you going to find some one? A lot of music and media endorses the image of "can't live with out another somebody" [insert generic song lyrics here] Media are notorious for selling sex and popularity and making you feel like shit for just floating around trying your best all the fucking time. Sometimes you just feel like it isn't enough and that you need somebody, when you only need yourself really. Be self reliant.

People are fickle, unreliable, untrustworthy, selfish, passive, wandering through this life, as clueless as you are.

When another person does come along, and you just seem to get on and you don't have any hesitation, I say thank you to my angels and pursue the friendship, if love blossoms, you just know in good time. Always guard your heart. Don't give it away easily, words are cheap. If a person truly cares about you, they will remain in your life not because they want something from you, but because they have your own interest in mind. For example, if you are passionate about music, they would celebrate your progress if you were to start a band or start writing music (just an EXAMPLE)

If someone loves you, they make you feel safe. They let you know that they are always there for you. They make you smile and laugh. They compliment you for your personal quirks. They admire you because you are real, accepting of your flaws and that you may have different views on certain matters. All the same, this person will show they care for you in any circumstances. They will go out of there own boundaries to make life easier for you. If that means staying up on the phone to you late at night after you had a bad day even though they have work in the morning.,, they will, because they love you.

They want to see you as often as possible, they may surprise you in ways you've never imagined. It is not always the predictable, conventional or expected romantic gestures. Yes I am continuing to write about romantic love. It would seem my entire life, has been based on this type of love. Unfortunately, it steered away from friendship and family, which is what inspired me to write this on my blog. It doesn't matter is nobody reads it, at least I have it here to refer back to, when I fuck up again. Anyway.

We all want to find someone. Someone we click with. Someone we can't imagine being with out. Someone who reflects us. People are like mirrors, they reflect us. Sorry this is all just getting a bit too corny for me but, it's my guilty pleasure. Tangeant. I love music. It is possible to love some thing, at least that won't leave you. Suppose it's unchanging, I mean, you find an album or a record that you adore, well, it's produced and published, and here to stay in the technically infinite library of tunes.

So these outlets, in art, sport, food (not comfort just the pleasure of cooking) self-care, reading, writing, what ever floats your boat, is crucial to the vitality and the essence of you. These building blocks keep you standing tall and strong. Like jenga bricks, if you let anything or anyone remove one of these, you'll begin to wobble and may fall apart. I have been sorry to witness, and personally endure this mess. It is as if a relationship saturates all of your energy and you have no time left for your own leisure. Unless you happen to cross someone with all the same hobbies or that person is not a dick and doesn't try to overhaul your life then you're a lucky one. Because I found the majority of people suck. Either I attract freaks (as a freak would) or I am looking in the wrong places. May be I shouldn't look at all.

Again, that is also another funny love lesson. Love will find you once you stop searching for it!
Just eat well, get enough sleep, if you have one good friend then you have all the love and riches in the world.
Blessings and sweet dreams, hoping tomorrow brings you lots of peace and light into your life.

SW

Vanishing Act

Thank God, I'm back on this fucking unbelievable blog.

I'm guessing it's just somewhere for me to publicly exercise my ego, and it works to some extent. So welcome back, anonymous reader. Even if it's just somewhere for myself to archive a fragment of thoughts from my feeble mind then so be it. Unfortunately my PC belongs in a museum. I joke about this, but it's actually getting beyond a joke now. Another thing, I am supposed to be cracking down with assignments but it's fucking hopeless. I spent the last 2 months bumming around as usual, getting up to all sorts of shit as I always do, "getting up in everyone's grill" and them in return, adding their dirt all over my own shit and it's been catastrophic. I've basically lost everything again. I had this well nice house and an alright job although it didn't account to much and that's ended pretty sourly on my end and well... I'm just fucking sick of life now. 

Every fucking time I start getting somewhere, some fucking asshole (I am growing to strongly dislike the majority of people, which is not uncommon, I am aware) will come and sap all my 'pure' energy, I get started on building connections, creating a schedule and an abundant life (I give credit to spirit) and then some total imbecile will come along and steal it all away from me. I haven't got time to go round pleasing every one else any more. Because every one I ever loved, has fucked off. The epiphany that most people are so brain dead, or on drugs, or I'm simply not getting through to them, is remarkable.

I found a light-workers website, thank goodness. Perhaps now I will be able to pursue my dreams with like minded people for a better world. There is a handful of supporters to my views about the world, and great friendships have blossomed as a result to that over the years. It's really special when you meet someone, especially 'coincidentally' and figure there's this instant warmness between the both of you, before anything has really been said. It's understanding, it's empathy and it's unity. That just about relights my faith in people all over again.

I keep trying to find my 'faith group' and after years at the Baptist Church, then to the Spiritualist church, now I find myself surrounded by undisclosed Pagans *sigh*

My handy tips to chilling out when it all gets a bit too much (not in any particular order):

1. Petting a cat or dog
2. Looking at the stars
3. Listening to music
4. Walking in the park or by a river
5. A nice warm drink
6. Talking to a trusted friend over the phone

I read a book called The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger, near the end the protagonist states, he doesn't like getting close to people, other wise you start to miss them.
I so soaked up that shit, in fact, I think that it is very honest. Another way to keep yourself company is with a fantastic book. I really need to get my teeth into another great novel as the one above. It's got to be mournful, dark and pretentious as fuck.

These sort of stories give me a strange vibration of comfort.

I've decided not to do any more vanishing acts, on the virtual world or the physical plane.

Can't be dreaming all the time, unfortunately. Shit to do.

Plan B

"Get some money, Fuck em all..." - Mac Miller

This is an extract of an unpublished preach to myself, to convince myself to leave society. 

8/09/14
Fuck Everything. College, work, family, friends, who would miss me? I wouldn't miss me.

I am brave enough now. No emotion is the final one. Money is slavery.
The world was given to us for free, why can't I experience it?
I could go around the world, beg, borrow and steal, do anything to get away.
Proper put myself in the shit, then appreciate a home.
I'm ever ready, now.

You can do it.
Leave all the material things behind. ALL of them.
I didn't ask to be brought into the world, may as well make of it as I wish.
It will be dangerous, but I crave adventure. Excitement, heart banging adrenaline. Not drugs, parties and people. All life is one. 
If I can leave, there will be no coming back.
Just leave. Forget every one. It's already fucked up.

This is my calling. I can barely feel the blood in my veins.
I wanted entertainment. Life seems to be one big online competition. One post after another, about how great every ones life is.
That's all well and good, but I never fitted any where.
All this dogma, these occults and craziness. All these people.
Just another part of my imagination. 
Shall I throw it all away? A job, a home, a degree. Am I even sane? 


I genuinely have more problems than most people I know
Perhaps that's why they speak to me. To feel better about themselves.

EDIT>30/09/2014 - Incorrect. They have their own personal battles, as do I. People need each other to vent to, and that's okay. It's called empathy.

It's not changed since I was 13. This was destined. >well, you do think everything happens for a reason.

I have everything and I am still unhappy.> it's called depression?

I am so close to running away. It's such a perplexing idea.> we all want to escape sometimes, responsibility is a hefty burden to us all. Some have children and sick loved ones to think of too, so consider yourself lucky.

No where is home any more, I lost that when I was smoking pot.> perhaps you realised, after consuming drugs, your vibration raised and suddenly there was more to life than meets the eye. Earth is home, for now. In this life. Deal with it.

No matter where I go, my personal issues torment me.> forgive yourself, and just try to move on. Besides, don't keep looking back you're not going that way.

But disappearing into the abyss of a dying planet would be better than suicide. At least then I would be living. Rather than a mere, human being.> just try and blend in a bit more and make yourself of good use to others (helping through kindness, not allowing people to take unfair advantage of you for evil desires)

I'm too old for this shit. I'm too broken to be fixed. I've had enough of it. Hurting people and being hurt. I'd rather be alone. >you've got through deliberately smashing up 3 phones before you came to this revelation...
*Seeks Help*

30/09/14 Present Moment
Hopefully, as each day brings new challenges, I will become wiser, simply by making better decisions and rationalisations.

I agree that all of the above is ridiculous. I'll leave it here to shame myself as a reminder to grow the fuck up. In retrospect, I sound like an idiot, but the fantasy is genuine. 

The Voices

It's sort of like having an occasional voice-over to your life. Except it's not cool and collected sounding like Morgan Freeman. Imagine, a wise man and malicious critic, conferring between your ears, day after day.

How am I sure that I am even alive? After all, the voices could be mere projections of my desperation to recreate something that imitates what life should have been.

What with a booming online world, from gaming, to dating to seeking employment, there really isn't any thing which is not covered by the internet. Therefore, our reality has evolved onto the monitor you are reading this from. This is perhaps the truth that we have been all searching for in our daily lives. You cannot escape it. It is all around you.

Take a few days off and you will quickly become absorbed by the 'real' world around you. Today, I felt at one with everything around me, and it was quite pleasant and comforting. This time around, I did not feel the usual paranoia that I experience around the city centre. Today, I felt normal.

Starting my new job tomorrow, so hopefully I won't let the voices I believe to hear fuck up my motivation and confidence. I sometimes think that the voices I hear are actually the thoughts of people around me, I am like a transmitter, "receiving" their data from their brains on a sort of radio-wave. Sometimes I think I am psychic. Sometimes I think I am fooling myself. In hindsight, I am just like any body else. I am not special.

It could be my conscience, or a battle between my heart and my head, especially when it comes to decision making. I postulate that the voices I hear are in fact, the voices of the spirit. The spirit is, inside all of us and conjoins each of us (in a totally difficult way to express in little words, damn)

I have been trying to seek, like minded individuals, and thus far have probably found a few, if at all. It's like angels have been sent to visit me to relight my faith in all this, freak show planet earth. From time to time, the visitors are kind, or show me lessons in love, or tell me information about the wider world outside of my protective bubble. I am just inhabiting a human body, a lost soul, searching for the right answers. But how can I know if some one is wrong? Who am I to tell them their perspective is incorrect? I have only ever seen through my own eyes. My own experiences cannot account for other's too. Oh how I wish I knew everything, then again, what ever I do say could be taken as indoctrinating, so better keep my opinions to myself, huh.

My psych told me to write about the voices, but really there's not a lot I can do about them. I mostly just listen to music to muffle them out. As much as possible. Though it does piss me off how when I'm trying to enjoy something like reading, or writing, or listen to someone speaking, hell even when I'm at work and focusing on a task, I'd like to think they'll leave me alone whilst I'm attempting to be productive...

God and Science do co-exist, they're just considered opposing because they are alternate ways of explaining the same scenario. Neither is wrong. It's all about how your mind works with interpretation.

Hopefully I won't hear The Voices as much any more as I continue to fade through life like everyone else. I didn't ask for this sort of abuse. The indomitable spirit truly masters life in mysterious ways, no cliché intended.

The Course To Peace From Corruption

It has been exactly another month that has flown by since I last posted on my blog.

I finally collected my old journals from my father. My some-what troubled, 13-Year-Old Self, and recovered some commiserating evidence, to the inside of a young girls mind, that being my own awful ideologies and morals. It was embarrassing to hear myself as I turned the pages, in a boastful font, along side some really child like exclamations.  The truth is, I haven't changed at all in 6 years. It's horrendous news. Which means my priorities, perspective and self-portrait have never taken an amicable shape. I have a judgemental eye, a foul mouth and only hear what I want to hear. This has led me to numerous officials, trying to put me under a category in order to try and understand where my behaviours have (suspected PD)

Which does not surprise me in the slightest. After all, from my last post, aren't we all essentially the same person anyway?

I've discovered a way to create my own reality. All you do is use positive thinking, constructive methods and logical rationalisations to get what you want in life. It requires patience (if I have learnt anything in life at all, it would be patience) and secondly some emotional support of family and the circle of others around you. If you are struggling to find either of these, seek help elsewhere. Go to places of interest, find local groups involving people who are like minded to yourself.

I wanted a friendly female house share during my second year of studying Journalism. Now I have that, due to the measures I took in conferring my own options. I was unhappy where I lived. I was literally living in a box like room with a prison type aura. This is where I hallucinated amber lights on the blank ceiling when I didn't sleep for four nights straight. I heard insomnia is a bitch, well I've had my taste of it and it's like a living hell. God bless those suffering from that kind of disorder.

Now I have all the elements at my disposal. I am ready to face the music and deal with the mundane and necessary tasks, an adult must do in relation to a decent quality of life. I have been avoiding responsibility for years now, and that time is up. A lot of friends have moved on, whether that have been physically or just drifted apart, I guess it is a fact of life. We are in this together, yet we must protect ourselves and care for our own well being, if we ever want to meet the right people.

On another topic, I have spent a lot of time slandering the internet's value to the human race. Of course, in the western world it is taken for granted. I have spent 2/3 months offline intermittently, between various stages of moving home again and again, and now I seem to have landed fairly well amongst some people like me. The internet provides me with entertainment, communications, services and learning. As they say, in this age of information, ignorance is a choice. Amen to that.

I do hope, from the bottom of my heart, that I can succeed on this path from a corrupted path, towards inner peace. Namaste.

The Beginning/ End

There's two ways in which this story could prevail. 
It's been a harsh two months since I have blogged anything on here and I would like to redeem and restart it once again.

This blog is usually treated as an outlet to personify my emotions at any given time.
With the amount of drugs and alcohol consumed in the last few weeks, I can safely say, I am totally burned out. It is not something I am proud of, yet the spiritual experience that I have gained from this fine for time has been unmissable. 

I have encountered many issues along the way; ones that include questioning my sexuality, career anxiety, fraying friendships, squandered opportunities and paranoia of being the centre of the joke. My relationships, my family, and health problems, all mixed up in a jungle of self created mazes, only to find myself in a long great struggle to rediscover myself. The core of who I was, has created me today. But who is she? In essence, just a spirit, inhabiting a body, I may have chosen, before birth, to allocate myself on this expedition, to realise what life is. To be a student on the planet, to know where I went wrong before. I honestly believe I have been here before. The amount of deja vu I have been getting has been peculiar. 

I also think that may be, according to my friends research, we are all just a collective conciousness, essentially all the same person just different bodies and personalities for the purpose of self expression. Suppose that's one of the morals between becoming a vegetarian, because animals have souls too. 

The End is Nigh. I slept with a bible on my chest last night. We are all sinners here, and people don't understand that the magic of the science in which the bible articulates so beautifully in poetry. And I'm only just getting started. I now fear more because the course of the actions I have followed through in my life, have steered me in a direction which has disabled me to follow my dreams. All has been interrupted by sinful thinking. It's not about being a Christian, or loving God, but more about faith.

We all have faith in some shape or form. Whether it be not believing in any thing or labelling yourself under one religion and everything in between. People get upset about religion because they think it is causing all of the wars in the world. But usually it is simply to do with arguments over money and land. People pin it on religion because it is easier to do so. If all the religions were studied, it would be safe to say that at the root of what they believe, it is in peace and the people themselves. So have faith in yourself first, and the rest will come. Your biggest desires are possible if you think about them hard enough, and pray for yourself to have strength to make it your destiny. God is inside you. 

So this is the beginning of the end of the first blog entry I have done for a while, and when I come back to it, things will be different again. I wonder what I'll be thinking about next time.

Eat, Sleep, Behave, Repeat.

This guy I live with knocked on my door in the early hours, half cut. I did my best to support him and lift his spirits. Perhaps he's already had a few too many. My puns are terrible. He apologised and admitted it was probably a bad idea for him to bother me at this hour, or contact me at all for that matter. He started telling me about some girl I knew at work that he had been dating, and why that ended. He apologised again, and said, "I'm sorry for using you" By now, I said, "It's okay, you're all the same. I don't care any more."

What did he want? I asked. "I'm lonely" he said. I explained that it was fine to ask for help when in need, every one needs an outlet, and I suggested blogging or writing or something. But no, it doesn't really suffice face to face conversation, nor does it even touch on serving the right framework for battling mental anguish.

After he left, I was tossing and turning trying to sleep, but I couldn't help but worry what he would do next. Providentially, he's appeared in the kitchen this afternoon, so my fear that he would do something stupid to himself, proved to be false. Hurrah.

As for myself, I have been moping around mostly. Blankly dismissing any text messages I receive, unwilling to speak to any one at the moment. I just want to be by myself. In my room. Alone.

It is one of the games my old friend plays with me. And that's okay. I don't mind today. 

Tomorrow I will be going into college to finish my article. Then I will produce some bs report on our studio project which my tutor agrees has been, somewhat a small disaster. And that's okay too. Because he said I'd pass to next year any way.

I have been listening to Amy Winehouse all day, not thinking about too much. Just existing in this bubble I've safely made for myself. Some might say spending too much time in solitude is unhealthy. But after the war I've fought, I'm not so quick to agree. 

So I saturated all the gloom, and floated like a lead balloon, I traced my mind back to the moon, I know I won't be returning soon; No matter what I try to do, it always comes back down to you, I live in mania but I'm making friends, one life begins, and another ends. - SW

 This is just one little hybrid of prose I like to crap out from time to time.

What on earth shall I do with myself today.

Cheese

It's starting to make more sense to me now.

I ate half a block of Cranberry infused Wensleydale.
I have never felt more numb, although more certain of the way in which my life is right now.
I became unchained of my emotions. I no longer care, for very much. Moreover, I am still bound by financial, material and societal pressures to conform and remain still.

I am craving adventure, it was what I longed for all along.
I can here Stephen Hawking's voice in my head. I understand what Wallace and Gromit was really about, kind of. I mean, most of the time, people would assume, by my actions, my words, my attitude, that I am constantly on drugs, yet aren't we all? In a way, there IS no escape, from the water, the food we eat, the air we breathe. I lost the plot, it began with birth.

I cannot remember much before I was 4 years old. My first memories were those of early childhood, at a pre-school, I was audacious, confident, over-friendly, and bounteous. 

I never fathomed this before. Perhaps it is because I do not trust anyone, do not care about anyone, and merely like anyone enough, to have these feelings reciprocated, because surely they do not exist. Everything is created in my mind. Every thing I perceive, is a tall tale. A wound up toy, I'm ready to destroy.

I have been clouded by the smoke, prisoned by the brick walls, and not high enough to touch the sky. 

Whoever is still reading these posts on my blog has some real patience, and loyalty.

No emotion is the final one - Jeanette Winterson

Oh if I ever I could be such a success. One part of me wants to pursue the teaching career, the other half is kicking and screaming, "Run, Run...RUN" I can't deal with this emotional blackmail to myself. What gives? This writing, a steady string of thoughts I'll never share with any one.

Why are you waiting, what is holding you back? There is nothing left for me here.
I went to view an apartment today. It was big. Totally suited me. A little out of my price bracket. However.

I'll probably look back on this post eventually and want to kill myself again.
How pathetic, how awful, I must be as a person, if I just want to ditch every thing and every one I ever loved, needed, wanted, had connection to. No?

My life has meant nothing. Up to this day, I am still as anonymous as the person reading this. What a depressing reality we live in. It's like they say about karma, or you get what you give, blah blah blah. So it's really all my own doing. I didn't mean to, originally, I was just like any one else. Then I hit puberty and I was allowed to access higher levels of conciousness. I could relate to others more, be more aware of the atrocities in our world, and be more, dare I say, empathetic. 

What gives? Something's gotta give anyway. I have to get over myself I think. It's either fraud against my heart, or simply being egotistical and a nuisance. 

I have tea lights in my room. A Maximo Park poster. A plaque that says "Love Is Timeless" and another saying "Drink Coffee, Do Stupid Things Faster With More Energy". Another thingy on my wall that has my name on it that my Mum brought me back from her trip to Paris the other year.  Along with fanciful bedding, a new super sturdy pillow, some butterfly lamps and an oil burner, again, sticking with the butterfly theme. I have bought a new soft dusty pink rug. I have my Dad's old sound system I swiftly took ownership of after he left and a brand new Television, courteousy of my Mum's fella.  My room smells like clean laundry, for the sweatshop made clothing tapers over the new airer, thanks to The Range for your home bargains.

My wardrobe and chest of drawers swells with clothes of all my different personas. Like a unique disguise for every day of my life. I go to bed to die again. I wake up with the world in my hands. F me. That's another one. Sex. You can't avoid talking about it. That's the point isn't it? Scientifically speaking. We are here to pro-create. Suss out the best of the best in the genetic pool, hope for the best, shit out a load of sprogs and troop on like normal. Sound familiar? I don't have kids. Yet. They got me! The consumerism has engulfed me.

I bought more deodorant today and body spray. I opted for So...In Love from Wilko's as they were a quid on offer. There's my shoe rack, 7 glorious pairs. 4 black, 1 white, 1 red, 1 cream stiletto. I'm sure I do not need nearly even half the junk I have hoarded around with me for the last decade. I have reduced it a lot in the last 2, due to moving about 5 times, and my parents moving houses and everyone was moving, and I moved like the tides. In and out, up and back, swirling around, until my head popped off...

I can't contain my excitement, I can't wait 5 more years, or 10 more years. I can't settle, I am incapable of love, and I don't deserve shit. I am one of the richest/poorest people in the world. I have so much to do, and so little time. I feel. I FEEL. Feelings, ha. My neighbour today told me that the emotional and physical pain sensors are at the same part of the brain. Explains a lot that does. Personally I believe I can endure physical pain better, but perhaps that's part of being a woman. Women are designed to give birth, for F's sake. I'd rather feel physical pain, but I'm saying that as someone who has never walked that path so please pardon me for saying so. I have psychosis, it's not my fault. There goes the displacement again, oh internet I fall at your mercy!

This is so boring. I'm going away soon, I have my tickets booked. I don't know if I'll come back, but I kinda have to. To finish college and all, that would probably be the more sensible, preferred, wiser decision. I'm running out of ideas. I never needed any one, after all. 

I'm sorry.

Imagination is greater than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world - Albert Einstein

Problems

We all have our own problems.

I don't have any real problems. It's all self-created shit in my head.
Depression is my oldest friend, it comes and goes from day to day, like the many people I have met throughout my life time thus far. I was once told I am an insightful, interesting and intelligent person, although I disagree. I am convinced I am ignorant, or may be just out of my depth. I feel emotionally 40 years old, and behave like a 4 year old. Some separated, torn up, broken soul, hurt by many, can barely comprehend the events of her own life. Thus far.

I flick through the television, I read flatly through novels, self help books, admiring the language, the themes and the context, and then invent some deeper meaning, dragging myself through further torment. All my actions are choice, and then coincidence/fate steps in and offers me further decisions to make and I just can't handle that because I hate change, and I hate taking responsibility.

I think every one is shitting on me. It's karma after all. I'm not a good person. I am as much Satanic and Lord Of the Flies, as are the people dropping bombs, and raping small girls. I just demonstrate my evil in other outlets. I don't know whether to get rid of all my possessions, take a coach and leave, or stay and endure the next few years ahead of studies to pursue my dream of becoming a conventional citizen, and someone who can be respected and accepted in society, as a teacher.

But we never think we're good enough, smart enough, strong enough, motivated enough. I just want to sleep all the time and let life pass me by, my dreams are waaaaay more fun than reality. Even when I do fun stuff like, socialising and hobbies, watching movies, listening to music, and writing. My creative standpoint.

My linguistics are getting poorer each time I write now. I was considering writing a children's books and trying to make a living from such a muse. 

I find comfort in watching shows such as Judge Judy, Jerry Springer, and advertisements.

I've tried the pills, the counselling, the books, the online advice, my family and friend's support, and with all due reverence, I think this psychosis is just a part of me. It was a transition during the time I was smoking a hella lotta pot, and it seems to have unveiled or 'triggered' if you may, and unlocked this rampant creature with in me.

I am constantly still, but heading some where. 
I am always producing theories that will shortly bury themselves into my unconscious, only to later appear as imagery in my slumber, that I will never share with another human being. Ever. It is sad. We are all the same yet completely different to each other, all by genetics. Science. It's even more distressing whilst, I cannot trust other people, but now I fear my own irrational perspective. God knows what crazy crap I'm going to embellish with hell next.

♫

How I was feeling at this moment in time

The Night I Decided To Change My Life

I found this on my PC from around this time last year. Oh Boy...

01.55am

03/05/2013

I haven't written for a long time.

I have everything I wanted.

My own place, amazing boyfriend, family support, near enough a full time job. Night out, nights in. Drugs, sex, music. 

Opportunity, hope, help, friends, chances and chances and chances, I keep destroying in the palms of my hands.

A gift, to write, to sing, to explore, I'm surviving fine.

I don't believe in luck anymore. I don't believe in God.

I don't know what happens when you die, but nobody really does. It's called Faith.

I don't think destiny exists anymore either. My life is in the control of myself, and no one else.

The problem I face, is the fact that I couldn't see how fortunate I truly am. Until I met Corey.

Corey helped me realise how much I have going for me, and the issue is, I have some seriously deep mental scarring from past relationships, and I beat myself up for all the mistakes I've made, the person I was or to become, therefore I'm never really living in the now.

Thus, I cannot enjoy today to it's full potential. So what's the point in living? 

If you can't appreciate what you've got, when you've got more than the majority of the population of the world... well then, I must suck in general.

Am I so blind? So stupid, to waste it all with procrastination, endless nights of getting fucked, feeling down about little things that wouldn't even cross another's mind, whilst they're scared shitless about whether or not they'll eat tonight, have a place to sleep... will they be alright?

I know what I like, and dislike. I've only started being honest with myself of late, maybe it wasn't soon enough.

I'm in limbo. I can see the end and there's two paths, one is a happy route, the other is a sharp decent into insanity. It's my choice.

I possess the power to change this all around. It all comes down to this, I need to grow the fuck up, and ''enjoy the ride''.

Corey doesn't realise how much he's helping me. Every day gets better. There's still episodes of doubt, and depression, and I spill my dignity about from time to time.

This cannot become a lifestyle. I need to over haul my way of thinking before I start losing everyone I love around me.

I don't know where my life is going, I don't know how long this ''luck'' of mine will last, bu I suppose I better make the most of it while it's here.

I'll take advantage of my resources, focus on my long term goals. Avoid bad situations, and toxic people.

Follow my heart, and rekindle my skills, recollect, reanalyse this whole damn scenario.

It can go either way. I can try, or I can give up and fail anyway.

I always used to say ''You never know until you try''

Can't give up now, I've come too far.

Plus, there's people way worse off than me. Don't be selfish Sabrina.

Don't act dumb, because you're not. You know what's going on, don't let it escape your control, get it sorted out now, or regret it forever.

Know who you are, distinguish between wants and needs, you can't go wrong if you work with people trying to help you. Just be careful who you chose to trust.

Read more. Learn new things everyday. Listen to music. Walk, get some fresh air. Laugh if it's funny. Smile more. Challenge yourself. Care about other people, not what they think of you. Despite what they think, aid people less off than yourself.

Dance with your friends, sing without an audience, write it off and wake up the next day with ambition. 

Do not panic or give yourself unnecessary grief about the sort of person you are. You are what you are, but you can improve it.

You like what you like, and if you don't like something, too bad.

March on. 

Coffee, candles, flowers, animals, funny bits of television, feel good tracks, artistic films, long walks, the seaside, documentaries, how shit is made, how people made it happen, memories, plans, experience you can learn from, theories, trying something new and finding out it didn't work for you is not a waste of time. Time is a concept. There's not enough hours in the day as we know so why spend them worrying?

I know it all now, I need to apply it to myself. Convince yourself you are good enough, you never weren't enough for anything. 

You can do what ever you like, be who you want to be. Actions speak louder than words. 

I always say I wish I could turn back time I do that day again but it is gone. No regrets now, just concentrate on making tomorrow a brighter day.

If you show love, compassion, patience, kindness, be a good listener, and a strong person on the inside, the outside world reflects it back on you.

There is no such thing as luck. Though I stand by that everything happens for a reason, so don't pass on those chances to do something more with your life. To be better, to do better; It will help you feel better.

There is only so much other people can say and do. Now it's all up to you.

02.25am

It's like I keep predicting the future, then have a bout of amnesia and go ahead and throw the towel in anyway! To be a writer, or a fighter?

What is Television?

I finally got freeview. Woo.

I have missed the drama and the small selection of comedy I manage to endeavour myself to entertain.
I don't really fancy going into the details of the past weekend. The past is in the past now, after all. Although there have been some unnerving moments, riddled with penitence, I cannot do every thing I want at once.
Yet I have mentioned before, that one theory I have is that, despite these constraints of time, illusionary as it may be, perhaps every thing is, in fact happening all the time, in one blink of an eye.

I visited Leicester and it was great. Lots to see and do. I figured out so much about myself already. I think I was born to be some kind of performer, writer, a crazy character; a social butterfly, if you may, to touch and console with the hearts of many different backgrounds. I myself could be ridiculed in future, for choosing an alternative path. I want to be a nomad. I want to escape the slavery. I want to be a free spirit.

Sometimes I just want to drop everything, leave all my material possessions behind, and live off faith and hope. Mad idea, why make oneself homeless for the sake of adventure? Why, because if life was a straight road to nowhere, may as well kill ya self now bud. I tell thyself.

Gotta make wrong turnings, act spontaneously, ask for help when you need it, find the courage to speak to strangers, pray for positive things to happen! Love is timeless.

I'm losing my swing. I can't account the fables of the last few days to you right now, I need to screw my head back on. Only God can judge me.

A Beautiful Melancholy Life

I don't even know what's going on half the time. I don't trust anybody, their intentions, their actions, their words. Every thing I see I'm viewing from my card board box. I got stoned last night for the first time in a long time and I'm actually alright about it. However, I did feel like I had been vacant from my body for a while, and the whole world collapsed on me, a sensation like falling in a dream. Like dying and going back to that metaphoric, ''hell''. Although, I wasn't too scared, just uncomfortable. Embarrassed really. Who on earth would want to spend time with a person like me? Further more who the fuck would bother reading this ridiculously pointless blog, that has nothing to do with philosophy or quantum physics or reverberating ideas that will change the world. No.

I am a grain of sand, I am the atoms of the air in the palm of your hand, I am the blueness of the sky, I am that floater in your eye.

We are born of nothing, we die with nothing, and every thing in between means nothing, unless we make it so. In our own heads, our experiences influence who we are, and every second we are being enlightened. Sometimes we take drugs, or take a leap of faith, or make a decision that changes everything, and we had no idea that it would be so, detrimental. 

I am so muddled in my mind right now, I'm trying to compile my portfolio before the end of the semester, slight panic mode sinking in now, I've come to realise I had more work to do than at the start, but that's just the way it is for us all!

What influenced me the most to write this script about healthy life styles is because of the vast amount of people I see passing me by down the streets of my home town day in day out, smoking cigarettes, stressing out, rushing about, work, education, family, friends, hobbies, and all occurring at once can become quite problematic. We forget to take care of ourselves from the inside, through relaxation, wholesome nutritious meals, a casual walk for fresh air and a stretch of those tired limbs. Every body seems to be wrapping themselves up with debts, self created problems, emotions taking over routine and sanctuary of the mind... and so, when it comes to the weekend, it's let your hair down, go wild and spend all your pay cheque, because hey, money isn't just supposed to sit in your bank account right? I digress. It is so important that as a generation of the new age, we impose as a good example on our youngsters. It has been heard that children as young as 12 are getting hold of these electronic cigarettes as to some how impress their school friends, and appear to be cool or mature. Alcohol abuse is still a massive problem in all areas of Europe, and the student life style involves pressures from acquaintances.........

Anyway. My blog posts are getting duller and duller, I know I know...
I just think I may be having some sort of writers block. I don't have the capacity to articulate my thoughts well enough in writing at this current time in my life. 

I hear this little voice inside of me, "Are you starting to get it a bit more now, Sabrina?"
I said yeah, I know, I know...

Accentuating My Eccentricity

Welcome to my world.

Last last week has been a blast. A bizarre concoction of mood fluctuations, volatile situations and an uncertain notation. Every time I visit my family it's like going on holiday. An abdication of my responsibilities at home, and an opportunity to regale myself; happiness in a childhood sense. I once read,

Be happy like a child. Why? Because children are happy for no reason. If you are happy in this way, nobody and nothing can take your happiness away.

Furthermore,

Do not spend your whole life chasing happiness, it will seem to evade you. Rather, get on with your life, and happiness will float around you like a fluttering butterfly.

Another thing to add,

Happiness is (arguably) a way of life. We all have our ups and downs. Our own dreams, desires and aspirations. So, those who say they are trying to 'reach Enlightenment' are fooled by this notion, as Enlightenment is a constant revelation. Every breath you take, every thought you have, every action you make, you are creating your own reality. Your destiny.

I have to eat my baguette whilst it's warm. Stay tuned.

Temperamental

Aloha.

How do I account the events of the Easter Weekend with some eloquence.
I didn't sleep for 4 nights, no food inside me, I could not even sneeze, I was starting to and believe I had died and passed into the dream world, aka living hell. Insomnia is a bitch. I feel genuine sympathy for people who can by no means achieve their beauty sleep. The things I had been whittling my brains out about are of no avail after all. I ended up hallucinating convinced everything I owned including my body was tainted with filth and must be eradicated. It all began when I threw my duvet out of the window. I wasn't sure if I had thrown myself out of the window with it or not, and I was merely a ghost, perching on the window ledge, searching for a sign. The lights through my blinds danced upon the white ceiling in a translucent mirage of past companions. The sadness swelled inside me like a balloon and seeped behind the grey burnt out lenses I had witness the transformation from.

The amber turned to blue, a calm, finalising symphony of vision, and I concluded with myself that yes evil exists within me and with it, I have jinxed my path from the first sin of the heart. Something about a boy, for some context. Hope is always an option.

When my family collected me, I felt the darkness as real as typical daytime, with it's vampires stalking the night. Their pale faces desperate for a warm touch, I was glazed over with remorse, fear and guilt. How could I end up like this? A constant self sabotaging of my creative counter part. I have to force out all the oppression whilst it's still fairly fresh in my mind. In the mind, is where it grew, and it became an inevitable part of me. I would not wish this on anybody. So I'm laying on the mattress, and I think I am a cat. I have not lived as spiritual being and therefore, I will be a cat again. All this time I've been saying, "don't look back! You're not going that way!" all optimistic and motivated and the like.

I could not sleep still. I was holding conversations with my friends on a different astral plane or something. Every time I closed my eyes I was not asleep, yet not awake with the rest of the living world. This is not the sort of experience you can purchase with the current system. Unless one day they're going to come clean about not only hacking our technology but our minds too. Some would argue that drugs have the same or similar affect but I wouldn't count on it.

Some people never go crazy, what horrible lives they must lead - Charles Bukowski

Well this was it, I was never going to be able to see my old friends again. The ones I truly connected with were part of a past life I had now travelled beyond and could never return to. That following morning, another one of my premonitions came to life. A pilgrimage. After crossing the golden bridges, of wisdom, knowledge of ancient religion and a paradigm shift, I found myself to be retracing my steps. I didn't understand it at first, then it hit me like a slow poison. I was going back wards, to where I came from. This 8 mile walk across rapeseed fields was a lesson for my soul. I had almost lost it, and had to be reminded of where I came from, and the essence of what I am.

I got ready for work that evening, only to be enchanted by the detachment I endured that was relishing with in for a decade. These strangers meant nothing and I meant nothing to these strangers, like I was invisible, dead or alive, it didn't matter. Patience wore thin, I returned to the car with the kit and packed it in. I tried to grab a cab but the driver brushed me off like pestering fly. Why could I not engage with any one? Did I exist at all? Was this really what living hell was like in the underworld? Trapped in my home town for eternity? I had to get out, even if it knocked me out further down the rabbit hole. I ended up getting detained in the city centre. Apparently it was orchestrated quite well, with a whole team of 'concerned' looking professionals, whilst two blokes stood outside the van with a bloody eye and chest pains. Fucking hell.

I exclaimed, "Let me go! These guys need your help, who is going to take care of them?"
After a few physical checks, I left my heart in the city, it's booming music in time with my pulse. I was really panicking now, "Will I ever get out? Will I ever be set free?" It was like prison.
I couldn't trust my aid, I was sceptical of their intentions, like I was a glitch in the game. An anomaly to be contained and controlled. Who knows what they put in me, as I gradually exacerbated myself with dread, I passed away...

We all go a little mad sometimes - Psycho

When I got out I stayed with my blood line. I am so lucky to have them in my life.

Music, film and old friends get me through. A precious few.

Writing of course is a good outlet, however. I hope these ramblings help someone else out there know that they aren't alone with the psychosis. A nurse came this morning and brought me these pills. It's called early intervention. 

They want to silence the voices in my head. I miss them already.

Screws, this was all supposed to be just so.
http://www.abctales.com/story/sabzwin/my-neurosis

Eternity

Happy Easter.

I ditched reading the novel as it was merely fueling my current emotions of apathy and withdrawal. Then I realized I'm just fine with myself, upon getting a homeless man a McDonald's and having a little discussion about the events of his life. I felt as if I was losing my soul with every bad thought and unnecessary self conscious decision or judgement I was making about the world around me. I ended up under section 136. Almost totally ruining my whole future.

I'll try to make this as linear as possible. I have had a life experience. One which I fear has permanently changed my personality and outlook forever. I decided to try some anti depressants prescribed by my doctor, only to have the worst time in my short waking life. All the suppressed feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, and disappointment burst out of me in a tense, unstable and over whelming mixture of all the emotions I had sponged up over the last year. I was the living dead. I had not slept in 4 nights straight, I didn't even want a cigarette I was so nervous, conscious of my own regrets, remorse hanging on me like a curse, and I truly believed I had died, gone to hell and passed over to the under world. That God was angry at me for not repenting and asking for forgiveness for my sins.

Since trying the drugs, I can't go back. Once you've changed perspectives, there's no way of going back. I had entered adulthood, the place in which you can no longer pretend you are able to be naive, stay ignorant and be flippant to those around you, for all of life is One. What is injected into society, is what is served back to you, through karma, an indefinite system, out of our control. Sure you will pay your debts too, I guarantee.

One night, I saw the invisible light, the colours of the world usually hidden to the naked eye, only under a hallucination would it be possible to spectate the shadows join together on a mutual plane. I felt like I fell from heaven and into a damp, numb, and less spectacular version of the universe. I did not appreciate my old life enough to know where I was going wrong, for now I see my own wickedness and how it has affected events of the future.

This is the time of the year for changes in the seasons, changes of perspective, changes in time. We only have one life in the circumstances you are given, do not waste it, and try to bend reality in your favour, not through manipulation and deception, but pure love and good will. That is the first part of what I have learned this week, that our actions and thoughts last in history for eternity.

3 White Roses

Hey. I got three white roses given to me at the end of work tonight, like what the fuck? Traditionally this means virtue and pureness. I was handed 1 rose initially, and another gave me a further 2... No big deal, it doesn't mean anything anyway. So I've come home with three white roses and I don't know what to do with myself. I sulked for a little bit, considered pills, then messaged my friend, declaring how badly I wanted to show them the hidden gems of our home town. When you've lived away for a while, you can revisit and treat your city as if you were a tourist, and towards my degree, I decided to write about the best secret pubs and bars the city has to offer, which proves useful for future arrangements at least. Finally, I felt like writing another blog post. I am sick to death of men, stupid fake ass friends trying to take me for a twat, and the dodgy vibes I get from every employer, advert, homeless person and stranger in the street, just to name a few. 

So there was The Phoenix, that proved an irresponsible move by myself. As someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, gets jealous easily and probably rushes into things, it's no surprise I was to get hurt. Can't put all your eggs in one basket. The Phoenix is symbolic to changes, rebirth, the cycle of life. 

Following that is The Spider, an almost disappointment, dangling above my shoulder, because that is what is to be expected. You get what you expect, you get what you accept, famously quoted by my Dad's gf.

I have been so poorly this week. Stress is the number one cause of ill health. My wisdom tooth attempted to break through again, only to give me an infection, and I'm told I need part of my gum cut away now, eww. It's not even the pain I'm bothered about, it's just the idea of having a needle jabbed into my mouth I don't like, most things I can deal with as I don't even mind needles!

I'm far too uninspired and tired to even be here, what am I doing... As a young person, I'm figuring out what my ethics and beliefs are in this life, how I want to exist here, by what morals and which code of conduct. I feel more drawn to some paths than others and I have shared conversations with people about faith and explored various religions. One thing that has stuck around me a lot in recent years, is the art of transformation with the will of the Divine. I think that the power of healing and rising of new chances is possible through concious positive thought. People think I'm mad, but I have seen and felt this happen in my life before, and I intend to use it more from now to utilise the universe to my advantage, rather than wishing it away. I have been advised time and time again, that any thing can happen, and I just have to create my own reality.

As my past plagues me with sorrow, the future threatens me, and the present moment is constantly slipping away in a ghost like state. I need to find some thing I can trust to be effective, some thing permanent and in control. I always felt different to every one else, and especially disliked by 'normal' people. In fact scrap that maybe I'm the normal one and they're all some shells of what the devil might look like, I don't know. There are givers and takers in life and some have the right balance, if you are a giver you have to be careful not to let takers drain you for every thing you are other wise you will have nothing left to give, you know. And you have to let yourself take sometimes as well because you'll never survive. I'm going off topic again, sorry.

I am just hanging on the edge between ignorant confusion and losing it in rage, how does one cope with their own callous mind? Can any one be trusted, including the self? Because the mind lies to the soul and tells it what it feels, knows and what to want. I am desperately trying to stay in touch with the world, but it's losing itself to me as it reveals the ugly parts and I don't like it. I was wrapped in cotton wool and dropped in a needle pit. 

Depression

Hi All.

I recently read a post about 21 Habits Of Happy People from Googling Symtoms of Depression. I came across a blog written by a sufferer of the illness. They wrote their own version of the article, from the view point of someone who just can't be happy. I followed a chain of links from here to there, and decided to write down my calling on the subject.

My way of describing the illness, is a constant feeling of guilt, hopelessness and de-motivation. Like a persistent, annoying cough, a voice inside your head, telling you that you are not good enough for anything, and your self esteem reaching minus numbers. With this state of mind, you become susceptible to evil a hell of a lot more. You end up behaving recklessly, displacing your hurt onto others in your work and social life, not taking care of yourself, especially the basic human needs such as nutrition and hygiene. These elements have an effect of working you into the ground even more so. It's a downward spiral, a black abyss, a tunnel with no light in sight at the end. It's rain clouds with no rainbow, it's numb and matt in shade, with no variations except bumps in the road when you eventually find a way to take course. 

It is countlessly insinuated, with complete honesty, that depression is a massively misunderstood illness. It is appreciated when an outsider makes an effort to aid the person riding the waves, but with all due respect this person must seek the help of a professional. Even then, the battle continues, because there's no promise that one will be able to stick with their chosen method of therapy, whether it's medication, counselling, or other. 

It is imperative that the depressed person is kept in the loop of life. They need a routine, a circle of close trusted friends and family and access to resources to combat any issues refraining the person from recovery. I am not for a second suggesting a person ever totally recovers, I believe it is something that haunts you for the rest of your life, like an invisible scar. Although it is not unheard of that people do change for the better despite their difficulties, and it takes time. It is not as easy as some say, "Just be happy." That fuels my doubt in the capacity of others compassion and ignorance. There will be fall backs, you feel like you're climbing a ladder, but then it's shaken underneath and you slip and hit the concrete and sometimes too close to breaking your metaphorical neck, so you go into hiding, or hibernate. 

You want to sleep all the time.

You can't eat well, and then when you do it's always something with a lot of sugar. (There's a science behind that if you care to research.)

You want to see people but you fear what they'll think of you, because you're feeling so rough and out of shape, mentally, physically and spiritually. You cannot fathom why any one would want to spend their precious time on a "pessimistic, draining, ungrateful waste of space in society." Wah. I digress.

People are more concerned about material things than other people's problems, and I can understand why. It's hard to pull the web of perfume ads, fancy cars, smart phones, and lavish garments, away from the eyes of the western world because it in itself is a form of escapism that directs away from the reality of the human race. Plus it leaves little chance for that crucial window of emptiness, for a disclosure that this evil runs with in all of us. Just one imbalance of chemicals in your brain and your fucked forever-more. One taste of that poison and you know you're in trouble, and then you start to contemplate what every other fucker has going on in their life, and then you feel even worse about it.

I think it's Eve's fault. Why did she have to bite that bloody apple, you stupid bitch. Well we're not perfect beings, and I think we weren't supposed to be after all. It gave us a choice, and bi-polar aspects. If the road was straight and flat, boredom would kill us first. 

I think I've said enough for now, before I embarrass myself any further. Just food for thought right there. Thank you for the read.

Changing Perspectives

Bon soir.

So, further more from my last two posts, I'll begin to roll off some of the inner workings of my mind. It's just a string of stories and anecdotes, one after the other. In some scientific study, they claim people are more creative at night, hence why I am writing this right now. I haven't felt very comfortable writing the last few days, I appear to be lacking some passion and inspiration, though I thought I would give it a shot once more. One of my favourite mottos about perseverance, which stands true to this day, is that you can always try again tomorrow. One of the great beauties of life is, whether we take it for granted, respect or even acknowledge it, but the sun will rise tomorrow to share it's glory and continue the great cycle of life, guaranteed. New challenges, more surprises and expanding conciousness await us for serving. I can't really begin to explain explicitly, exactly what I am trying to get at in this post. You realise when you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up... Well I've said it before and I'll say it again. I can't accept that what we believe to be reality is all there really is to life. I feel as if the Universe, Time and Space are all co-existing creations of a Deity. Like a threefold law or something. That we are an organism, living within an organism, and co-habiting with other organisms, everything being perfectly bigger and smaller than we can imagine, to a naked eye or a human mind, plus it's intricate, and complex numerical, chemical and biological make-up etc.

That escalated quickly. Let's step back a second. So, I was walking into college lighting a cigarette. There's a stupid reason that I had began smoking roll ups again, which however, plays a significant part of this story. My e-cig I had for the last 2-3 months decided to not just pack in on me, but literally fall apart in my hands. I was a bit peed off because now I have to replace it and in the mean time I have reverted back to regular fags. Anyhow, so I have this ciggy and I'm charging to the college doors where not only I am late, but burden an aura of apathy. I pause as I'm hardly half way through my cig and I say, "waste not, want not" or something like that. I throw a casual, "Hi" and the two gents standing by the doors, also smokes in hand. Suddenly before I know it, we've dived into a deep and insightful conversation. Rather, these two lads are teaching me truths of life I can barely begin to fathom, and absorb into my tiny brain. I have familiar ground with these two strangers, by the way we are evidently studying in the same building, and so much more. The patterns of thought, the interests and faiths of my new acquaintances, spiral into deep conspiracies that we are both aware are difficult for the soft hearted to comprehend.

I believe 'God' set up this meeting for me. Syncronicity at it's finest, and really too obvious for even a non-spiritual person to ignore. Some would say coincidence. I have never thought at any time in my waking life, that anything happens by accident. If you've bothered to read down to here I won't need to explain it to you, what I think this is anyway. So I missed the studio rehearsal, and I spoke to one of the lads for a good hour and a half. At least, he told me things. Things that have crossed my mind before, things I have never dared delve into alone. Some would call us religious nuts, some would calls us insane, some would say we are naive and gullible, or may be I'm just the ignorant one, what ever.

The point is, I want to attempt to help accelerate the power of purity in the world, the light and the truth, for the evil doings of our government, bank owners and the secret weapons used against us 24/7. Whilst you dream, they block your brain waves. They indoctrinate and depict where you shop, what you eat, your life style, your anxieties, your health, your finances, every thing you can think of... they have strings attached.

Those truth seekers and teachers get assassinated, blackmailed, their reputation destroyed, and manipulated.

I may as well start trying to do something meaningful with my time here. If I can help spread ideas and get people thinking more about 'Life' then I will. Because I've come to the conclusion I'd rather fight than stay silent and obey.

I don't want to patronise, convert or disregard any one else's opinion, belief or feelings. Every person has a right to freedom, and every one has a right to education. I want be a teacher. A leader, perhaps. Whose one value and goal is not to puppeteer and degrade any other person. Only to spread Love. Also to expose any fishy business along the way and my outlook on the subject. I'm no dictator, I'm no academic. I was born and raised in a blessed place, surrounded by chaos(!)

I would like to accredit the following people, yet I shall never name names here on the Personal Life Project.

I.P of the day:

Reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, only half way through, real good thus far.

Dailies

Hello again, nice to see you back.

So today of course, is Mothering Sunday. Personally, I like this day of the year, because I usually get to spend it at my Grandma's (who is about 92) and then I start to feel really strange and wondrous; 3 Generations in one room at the same time... (time is subjective) Like back to the future or something. Days like these create precious moments. I am grateful to have the privilege to still have my Grandma and Mother around. For many, this day brings an emphasised sadness for a potential absence of either or both. For some, never having known these kin at all.

I am certain that at least for today, I am flippant towards any of the minor dramas occurring elsewhere in my life e.g. the quest for true love and the fraying friendships. I couldn't give two hoots. It's days like this when I realise the importance of family- for me, blood is blood. I may not be close to them all of the time, but in terms of what I'm made of, stardust, energy, atoms and DNA, they are genetically/spiritually speaking, versions of me. The closest people to replicate me. Looking to your roots is a special way to learn about yourself too.

I have become so intent, and determined to find like-minded souls, wandering around hopelessly on this earth, so we can join together to create something meaningful, or spread a message of love or help people in general. The more I say the less you may enjoy my writings, but I never said I was going to be a people pleaser. I've been doing that for a while too long up to now, and I think I'm coming around to seeing the bigger picture, in a semi rational, semi bitter type of way. I haven't met many people like me. The ones I have become acquainted with, turn out to have a potent dark side, and I get really offended upon discovering that, because the reason we became friends in the first place was because we are similar. What.

Anyway as an after thought, I need to add what this whole blog thing is about. I used to blog a lot. I would find a beautiful, mysterious comfort in being able to release my tensions, my ideas and my despair over the world wide web. It's never bothered me that I am opening myself up to the minds of judgement, internet trolls and people with differentiating views. 

Over the next few weeks, I will initialise my intent, to spread the words of what I have learnt thus far from life. It's relevant because we're all in the same boat here, let's be right. I'd like to consider myself down to earth, compassionate, and caring. I'm no Einstein, but he sure is someone I idolise ha-ha!

I'm no self help writer, or a life changer, yet I do wonder if this blog will aid any one in some kind of way. I can only hope. I usually go on wild tangents as I can't focus my mind onto one trail of thought, so please bare with me. I'd like you to have fun whilst reading my stuff, that's the point of it.

Someone asked me last night what I want from life. I answered like this:

"To travel the world, write about it, and help people along the way."

I think that's reasonable.

On a final note, I just want to throw it out there that my posts might get a little deep or weird, but hey it's nothing new to the shit you find online when you're only scratching the surface.

I.P of the Day:

"If it feels too good to be true, then it most likely is so."